Spells 'R' Us/Ally McBeal: Fantasy Life

© 1999 by Radioactive Loner (rloner@transform.to)


Ally poked her head into the room. "I'm heading off to bed, Renee."

Renee looked smugly at Ally. "So your dream life can be weirder than your real life, just like when you're conscious?"

"Hey," Ally glowered at her, "I have absolutely no idea why my dreams have been so weird lately. But at least I'm quiet!" Ally then proceeded to re-enact some noises that had been coming from Renee's room last night ... only to be shooed into her room by a pillow barrage from Renee in response.

And as her head hit the pillow, another room began to take form around her.


A courtroom was around her, but a strange one hewn of granite and darkness, a jury box full of gryphons, werewolves, humans, fey, and other fantasy characters Ally couldn't even place.

At her table was an old man. She picked up the folders on her table and looked at them. "All Sentient Beings of the Universe v. Old Wizard, individually and as agent and proprietor of Spells 'R' Us, Inc." was neatly typed on it. And the letters were glowing.

"That's so you can see them in this poor lighting," said a voice from behind. Ally trilled a little scream of surprise and jumped a half-turn. Before her stood an old man wearing a business suit. "Thought I'd forego the bathrobe rigamarole for the verdict, you know."

A huge, shadowy, dark, indstinct figure with glowing eyes, towering hundreds of feet over all in the courtroom, passed by Ally, who shrank back instinctively. "All rise," said a scarecrow from the other side of the room.

"Jury, have you reached a verdict?" the figure said, taking his place behind the highest pillar of granite.

"We have, Your Honor," said a werewolf, holding a piece of paper. He passed it to the scarecrow, whose wooden arm grew and stretched until it reached the height of the Judge. "It is in order," said the Judge, passing it back.

"We find the defendant innocent on all counts," said the werewolf.

Groans stretched around the courtroom, and people began filing out. The old man smiled. "I knew you were the perfect pick. A lawyer with a good heart, blind faith, and a bit of a problem discerning fantasy from reality. You were the perfect lawyer to help me, definitely worth the effort plucking you from your metafictional plane."

Ally looked at him, a confused, slightly nervous smile rising to her face. "Mister ... uh ... sir ... " She gestured around her. "Where the heck am I? What did I do for you?"

The old man looked kindly at her. "You're forgetting already. That's understandable ... mortal minds shouldn't retain activities on this high a level of proceedings."

"Ally, suffice it to say ... you helped a being with more than a bit of power under his belt. But I don't exist in the dim-- ... hmmm ... well, let's just say where you live, so I must pay you now. And I shall give you a good gift, since you truly saved my wizardry heinie."

Ally looked at him, still confused. "I -- I don't understand."

He smiled. "You will. For a 12-hour period after you wake up, Ally, your reality will be malleable, shaping itself to your words. But remember this, Ally ... you have to start with it like this ... 'My reality now is ... ' That'll prevent the confusion that usually accompanies these things, hon." He gave her a grandfatherly old hug. "You're a real sweetie."

Ally looked at him blankly. "This is _definitely_ one of my weirder dreams."

He smiled, and patted her on the head. "Enjoy." And with a snap of his fingers, Ally's eyes woke up to her alarm clock buzzing.


Ally walked out of her room, rubbing her eyes. "Man, Renee, I had the weirdest dream. But I remember it this time."

Renee was working on some Grape Nuts and toast. "Really?"

"I was representing this wizard in a _really_ weird court, and I won ... and he paid me by letting me change reality for the next 24 hours."

Renee smiled. "That's a pretty cool dream. What would you do with it?"

"Hm?" Ally asked. "It was just a dream, Renee."

"So if you just said 'You're eating Cheerios,' I'd be eating Cheerios?"

"No. He said I had to preface it with something ... so I'd have to say something like, 'My new reality is that you're eating Cheerios.'"

"Yeah, but I'm already eating Cheerios, Ally. Not much of a change."

Ally stared at the breakfast table, where a box of Cheerios now stood where a box of Grape Nuts once did. She raised her hands to her temple. "No, this is not happening to me. I didn't wake up yet." She pinched herself.

"OUCH!"

Did I take any hallucinogens recently?, Ally thought.


"You're crackers, Ally," said Dr. Tracy Clark, Ally's psychiatrist. "This is getting too weird, even for me. And I teach people to walk around with goofy smiles, for Pete's sake."

"It works, though, Tracy."

"What, just to switch around cereals?"

"Well, I've not done anything else ... but it _happened_, Tracy."

"Prove it."

"I can't. Supposedly, whatever I say, you'll always remember as it having been that way."

"Can't you wish it otherwise?"

Ally considered, then spoke to the room. "My new reality is that Tracy will remember this reality as is, no matter what I change."

Then she looked at Tracy. "What do you want me to change?"

"You pick."

Ally looked down at her body, then remembered a fantasy she had several months ago, right after she had started work at the firm. "My new reality is that my breasts are 34Ds."

Tracy blinked. "You see? There's n--" and then she trailed off, looking at Ally. Or more specifically, her chest. "My God."

Ally followed Tracy's gaze to watch as twin mounds began to expand underneath Ally's blouse and suit top. Ally had never been one to be that endowed ... her workouts, frame, and metabolism had all combined to keep her rather gamine and slender. Her breasts had been AAs, if that ... but huge mounds of flesh began pushing cleavage into the buttons of her shirt. One button popped off, showing off more cleavage than Ally had ever had (even with the occasional utilization of a Wonder Bra).

Ally gaped down at herself. "My God ... it's real."

Tracy looked at her, a combination of fear and excitement in her eyes. "Ally ... holy _shit_! Do you realize what you can do with this? You can enforce world peace! You can cure poverty! You can ... "

Ally looked up, then seemed to come to a decision. "My new reality is that like others, you won't remember any changes I make, including the one I just made."

Tracy blinked, then picked up her pen and pad from the table she had dropped it. "So, Ally, do you understand? Your early ... er ... development probably made you feel alienated from other girls, and that may have given rise to your fantasy life."

Ally smiled. "Very well could be, doctor."

As she left, she quietly whispered, with a smirk on her face, "And my new reality is that all my accounts are paid up here, too." Quietly, some numbers in Tracey's books rearranged themselves.


Georgia walked up to Ally. "Where the hell were you? You know, Ally, I had to cover your court appearance! You just can't walk off to your shrink every time you have a mental crisis! Some of us are a little stronger than that ... you have to start being that way!"

Ally smiled. "Gee, Georgia. I'm sorry I'm not as mentally strong as you. But, you see, my new reality is that every time anyone says your name, you'll start and then slowly continue transforming into an ape ... Georgia."

Georgia blinked. The hair on her head became a bit darker. "I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. What's your excuse, Ally?"

"Do you know, Georgia ... "

The hair on Georgia's arms and legs began to darken in color.

" ... I am just so very sorry. I can't believe that I would do this to my own, dear friend, Georgia!"

Her hair began to grow out. A faint sparse covering of dark grey hair now covered Georgia's skin.

"You know, it's just that case I've got down in Atlanta. Those Georgia cases, they're a real pain in the ass ... "

Georgia spoke out of a mouth now pushed out in a partial muzzle, an odd sight surrounded by a mostly human face. "That's okay, Ally. I flew off the handle. Come on, we're late for the eleven o'clock meeting." And with that, she rested her hands on the floor (hands now attached to much longer arms) and knuckle-walked towards the conference room, her butt swaying back and forth with the inhuman gait of her new walk. Ally smiled and followed her.

Ally entered the room and sat down. Most of the men's gazes rested on Ally's chest. I suppose, she thought, that's what a lot of large-breasted women have to get used to. Still, perhaps they wouldn't think it so unusual if ... "My new reality is that men have breasts as well, and that each of the men in here have breasts my size."

Slowly, breasts began to grow upon the chests not only of Richard, John, and Billy. Outside the conference room, on the chests of every male in the species, across the globe, breasts grew from the chests of male construction workers, male judges, male astronauts, male teachers. The biology and history of an entire world was rewritten.

Georgia hopped upon a chair, resting knuckles by her hand. "Say, Georgia, that's a real pretty dress you're wearing today," Billy whispered to her.

"Thanks, ny-AGH! ooh AHH! Billy. That's nice of you to say," Georgia replied. Her legs became a lot shorter, her feet more mobile ...

Richard Fish, one of the firm's two founding partners, scratched beneath one of his breasts while flipping through some pages of the docket. "Let's get this meeting started. John, how's that supporting brief on the Smith dismissal motion doing?"

John looked up. "I'm still waiting for Georgia to get that research on criminal records back to me."

"Sorry, ooh AHH! AHH! AHH! John. I'm OOH AHH AHHH AHH waiting for the Westlaw server to NYEE get AHH back AHH on--line." Georgia said as she began looking oddly at her clothes. "What AHHH am I NEYAH wearin-- ." She began tearing off her dress with rough, grey hands, revealing breasts surrounded by a coat of dark, grey hair over most of her body.

"Just get it to me as soon as possible, okay?"

"No prob-NYAH AH OOH AHH!" By this time, Georgia had finished tearing off her bra, panties, and dress, her hands having lost the manual dexterity to work the clasps, her mind not understanding of these clasps, of this being normal wear.

"And my new reality is," Ally whispered quietly, "that the next time your name's mentioned, you'll finish your transformation." She then looked up at the ape-morph sitting across the table from her, catching her attention.

"Say, Billy ... what was your trained ape's name again?"

"_Our_ ape, honey ... don't you remember? It was such an odd gift to get for a wedding. I called her Georgia, because she acted like such a blonde little Southern belle, so dignified, when we first met her."

And with that, the last vestige of intelligence faded from Georgia's eyes as she began grunting and playing with pencils and pens on the table.


The old man sat there, watching things develop on his television as he tossed popcorn kernels into his mouth. "This is getting interesting," he said. "She's definitely not the angel I thought she was."


"My new reality is that I'm a lesbian," Ally said. Then, as Billy entered, she said, "My new reality is that Billy is a woman and my lover."

"Hey, Ally," Billy said, his voice cracking. "I wanted to swing in and just set up some plans for tonight's visit with my parents." As he spoke, the fabric of his dress shirt began to push outwards, as his black hair began to grow, slipping down his back. "I was thinking we probably shouldn't take them to the Swordplay ... maybe some place a little more gentile at first. They're still new with ... us." The eyes, carrying an impish look, became a dazzling emerald green.

Billie crossed her newly shapely legs, tapered by a very short skirt that just a few scant moments had been the cotton of dress slacks. "Don't get me wrong ... my folks aren't nearly as homophobic as I thought they'd be, but they're not ready for the whole sh-bang at one time," she said, reaching up and cupping one of Ally's breasts as she slowly drew her down into a passionate embrace.


Renee walked into Ally's office. "Ally ... I don't know why, but I'm really worried about you." She stopped short. "My God! You've got a rack my size!"

She blinked as memories reset once, and then shook her head. "Why the hell did I say that? You and I've been joking about the way guys treat us big-breasted girls for ag--"

She blinked as memories reset yet another time, and her manner became more formal, as she would with any lawyer not a friend. "I'm sorry, Ms. McBeal. I came here to attend the Jones deposition, but seem to have gotten turned around here somewhere."

And no longer knowing much about this woman's personal life, she didn't really notice as memories reset a fourth time -- for she never knew this plaintiff's counsel's sexual orientation. After all, she contemplated, this _is_ Boston, not the Dark Ages. "Still," Renee thought aloud, "she could stand to gain a few pounds. She's way too skinny, except up top."


"Oh, really?" thought Ally, overhearing Renee's remark. "My new reality is that Renee weighs 300 pounds."

Renee suddenly felt her entire frame shudder as if a bomb had hit her. Her breasts practically exploded as they overflowed from underneath her suit top. A potbelly just fell from her skin and shuddered into place like a tray table falling from an airline seat. Buttocks slowly expanded into huge watermelons, thighs thundered thickly from underneath a skirt ripping along the seams. Chins and cheeks and a thick collor of fat transformed Renee's face. A larger suit slowly formed around the fat slob.

Renee stopped and caught her breath as she walked towards the deposition room. It was times like this that she hated being overweight ... but food was one of the sole pleasures of her solitary life. When Mark, her longlost love, had run into her the other day, he didn't even recognize her until she, nearly weeping, identified herself. Since then, she found more and more solace in food, and her weight just kept gaining. Who knew where this hell of her life would end?

She shook it off. Damn it, she had a deposition to conduct.


The old man checked his watch. It had been a long deposition, and the deadline had expired. But damn it, this had been fun to watch! Without a store in her reality, how could he prolong the fun?

Then, his eyes fell upon a small square of plastic in the corner.


It had been three days since Ally had been living in her new life, smugly happy at the way she and Billie had been living. She personally had made sure that the Boston Zoo was taking good care of the lesbian couple's simian wedding gift, and smiled vindictively every time she saw the huge district attorney eating a huge lunch alone in the court cafeteria. Her sole regret was that the old man's gift had expired so soon. Ally had had some good ideas on how to restructure reality even further.

Elaine walked in. "This just arrived for you, Ally, via messenger." She handed her an envelope. Ally ripped open the envelope.

The disk label read, "Abode RealityShop".


(Author's note: if you never have read "SRU: RealityShop", it can be read at http://artists.transfur.com/sr_foxley/stories/realityshop.html, and is highly recommended. Its name, however, should be enough to give the reader a glimpse into what could next await Ally ... )


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