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Getting Laid

with Megan Mountains

Department of Robust Language
St Catherine's High School for Growing Girls

This item was sent to us anonymously by someone claiming to be a student of St Cat's High School for Growing Girls.  Attempts are being made to find the source of the leak and punish her by giving her a damned good seeing-to.  Leakage is not a desirable thing, as St Cat's girls are taught from their earliest days at the school.

It was originally published in R & D in 1998 and we are publishing it again:

  1. because some people have requested it, and
  2. because it gets right up some other people's noses.
 
Smegs Good morning, girls.
Class Good mor-ning, Miss Mountains!
Smegs Sit down, finish what you were doing, and put away your breasts, please. Now, I have been marking your latest attempts at essays, and although many of you have shown a level of inventiveness which will stand you in good stead in your chosen professions, you are still making simple and annoying errors.  We are going to have to go back to basics.
[Turns to blackboard, briefly studies the anatomically fanciful drawing on it, then wipes it clean with some regret]
Class [Groan]
Dulcie Miss Gruntworthy drew that, Miss.
Smegs Please don't tell tales, Dulcie. You must not be unkind to the Headmistress. Miss Gruntworthy is suffering from withdrawal at the moment.
Class [Girlish giggles]
Smegs Right. Would someone please correct this sentence?

I got layed last night

Anybody? Sophie...?
Sophie I didn't get layed last night, Miss?
Smegs I'm sorry to hear that, Sophie, but...
Class She's lying again, Miss.
Smegs Lying? Well, what about this sentence, then?

I lied in front of all my friends
Class Last week, Sophie got laid in front of all her friends, Miss.
Sophie It was my birthday, Miss. I was t...
Smegs We don't need to know how old you were, Sophie. Now, what's wrong with this sentence from one of your essays?

The boy laid on the bed and took out
his gigantic throbbing prong
Class [Giggles]  Was that Lutricia's essay, Miss?
Smegs  That's not important. There is something very seriously wrong with that sentence. What is it?
Class He didn't have a mighty throbbing prong, Miss? He only had a squitty little one, like Sophie's Paul?
Smegs That's not important, either. You learn that in Sex and Relationships. There is something wrong with the English.
Marie-Claude Ah, oui, Mademoiselle, zere is somesing wrrrong wiz ze English boys. Zey 'ave ze teensy weensy willies...
Class What's she know about it? She's never seen one. As soon as she takes her knickers off, the boys all faint.
Smegs I don't want to know about...
Class She's all poo-ey, Miss. And she keeps this big black fur rug in her pants...
Smegs That's enough! I will not have such remarks in my classroom. Come and see me later, Marie-Antoinette, in my room. Now watch the blackboard...

I laid the table yesterday
I will lay it again today
Chickens lay eggs
The chicken laid an egg
Sophie got laid on the table
Paul lay down and Dulcie sucked him off
R & D lied to you about VAST

There! You see the difference? Those sentences are all correct. Why is Sophie crying, Dulcie?
Dulcie She didn't know about me going down on her boyfriend, Miss.  Who told you about it?
Smegs Never mind who told me...
Class ...bet it was that French bitch...  Did he really, Miss?
Smegs What?
Class Was VAST all lies, Miss?  Some of those girls were nearly as big as us, Miss. Say it was true, Miss, please...!
Smegs Enough! This class is like a zoo. Take your exercise books, open them up and be quiet. Write down these simple rules, and learn them by heart. I will be asking questions tomorrow.
to lie (to tell untruths)

present tense: I lie, I am lying
past tense: I lied, I was lying

to lie (to recline) — intransitive verb

present tense: I lie down, I am lying down
past tense: I lay down, I was lying down
perfect past: I have lain on my bed

to lay (to spread something out) — transitive verb

present tense: I lay the table, I am laying the table
past tense: I laid the table, I was laying the table
perfect past: I have laid the table
Smegs There you are, girls!  Can anyone tell us the difference between transitive and intransitive?
Dulcie Transitive is where you do it to somebody else; intransitive is where you just do it.
Class Like when Candida does it to herself in bed, Miss, after lights out.
Dulcie Ten times a night, Miss.
Smegs Excellent definition, Dulcie. See me later, Candida. I have something you might like to borrow. You can get spare batteries at the tuck shop. Any more questions?
Class We thought you were going to tell us about how to get laid, Miss?
Smegs That's in Sex and Relationships, after lunch.
Marie-Claude Aftair lunch is ze best time for sex, Miss...
Smegs I already told you, Marie-Claude. Later. Lutricia, what's happened to your blouse?
Class She's been growing explosively, Miss.
Lutricia The button-holes have all split, Miss. My breasts have been getting so fantastically huge these last few days! I was laying in bed with Sophie's Paul, Miss, getting layed...
Sophie Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Smegs Class dismissed!

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