It's that time of year again. The time when all of us get outside (hopefully with our digital cameras) and do more productive things such as staring, gawking, and drooling at vast amounts of exposed skin. All thanks to 90 degree temperatures and the obsession of women to show off and look better than the other women. Once again we can rest assured that places like the BEA, Hooters, and the breast related newsgroups will be flooded with new pictures of unknown women in a variety of swimwear. But variety doesn't seem to be as vast for women with larger chests. For many women of this type, the options appear to be the basic bikini or a suit more fit for a grandmother. Seeing that, we at ThanksX3.1 are so genuinely concerned over this rather serious issue; we have decided to take a look at a few different types of swimwear. We hope to give you the perspective of a man looking from the outside and a woman trying to be comfortable on the inside. Who better to be the judges of this atrocity than our own editor, Pacman, and his faithful companion in crime and busty lady, Ms. Pacman. If we didn't provide enough variety for your tastes, well, fuck you.
PACMAN:Hello Ms. Pacman. How are you?
MS. PACMAN:Hello, Pacman. I'm great.
PACMAN:Are you ready to see the different suits we've gathered?
MS. PACMAN:I guess so.
PACMAN:Well, here we have it. A great example of how my grandmother should dress at the beach. I will give a few extra points to this suit for having vertical lines that at least show off this woman's obvious curves. To look at it from a man's perspective, I guess I'd say I would take notice of this girl, but would probably look from afar while I wonder if she is either pregnant or a mother many times over.
MS. PACMAN:Hmmm...I agree with what Pacman has to say. And by the way, adding a sarong to that suit does not make the suit any better. Those one piece suits suck. The boobs get squished against the torso in a manner which is extremely uncomfortable. And, despite the vertical lines, her breast would still look better in a two piece.
PACMAN:Here we have a one piece that could be considered a grandma suit, but somehow manages to almost look decent on this woman. The main problem is that it covers her chest like a birthday bib at Red Lobster. It makes it almost seem as if she is dying for attention or is just trying to piss of her A-cup friend. This kind of suit would get me staring to a point where actually speaking to her would be nearly impossible. I hate to say this, but geez, cover those cannons up a bit more.
MS. PACMAN:I am not even going to touch on the flat chested girl's suit. It's not worth my time. As for the orange one, my grandmother probably wouldn't wear this, seeing as how it shows quite a bit of boob. Her chest is big, but very saggy. This suit makes her look sloppy. And does she need to go to the tanning bed so often? Her skin is almost as orange as her suit. She looks like a saggy fucking pumpkin.
PACMAN:I would first like to point out that this lady has no crotch. It isn't even Barbie doll-like. It's more like the crotch of a Lego person. I don't think a truly busty woman would fit into this thing. I think it is more geared towards the lady who wants to look bustier. I can't go on with reviewing this picture because I am too distracted by her Lego crotch.
MS. PACMAN:I can't tell is this is underwear or a swimsuit. Looks more like underwear to me. Anyway, the top is nice if you're flat or close to flat, but the bottom is horrible any normal woman. I you have one once of fat, it will come poking out of the little strappy things of the side and make you look like a over-stuffed sausage. Get some boobs and a real swimsuit, lady!
PACMAN:Ahhh. The nude look. While always sure to grab attention, it is hardly seen in these great United States. I, of course, encourage more suits of this type. They may be unconventional, but they will surely save a few bucks in this poor period of our American economy. Though I must mention they are not for everyone. This lady pulls off this serious look very well. Most of the women I see at a beach have no business ever attempting to duplicate her style.
MS. PACMAN:What the fuck! That's not a god-damned swimsuit!
PACMAN:This girl is showing me her tummy! And that little hole really helps make her breasts look that much bigger and better. Much more classy than any suit I have seen yet. It really screams out, "I am a conventional woman! I can be sexy and sophisticated." I wouldn't feel weird about starting up a good conversation with someone wearing this swimsuit.
MS. PACMAN:As great as this suit makes her boobs look, she looks ridiculous. "Hey, lady! Someone forgot to finish sewing your swimsuit!" A big hole in the middle of a suit does not make you look sexy. It makes you look like a stupid doughnut.
MS. PACMAN:"Hi. My name is Sheila. My mother was a giraffe."
PACMAN:Now here is a fashion don't. Remember Star Wars? Remember AT-AT's? How would you like to tell your parents you have a date with an Imperial Walker? While I encourage women of all types to look as sexy as they can, that doesn't mean that I am a fan of the WNBA. That watch must have been one of those watches that Reggie White said the Japanese could turn into a television. I wonder if she has direct TV or basic cable. Notice how the entire beach has jumped into the drink in an attempt to flee their impending doom. And her swimsuit sucks, too.
MS. PACMAN:I wonder why the top half of her body stopped growing when she was 3 (except her breasts, of course). The suit would look ok, even though it is a bad suit, if her legs were buried three feet into the sand. I can't stop laughing at her legs!
PACMAN:I like this suit. My only complaint is that on a girl this thick, that bottom just won't work. The top is respectable and displays her assets very well. This would look good with either shorts of a hot pants style of bottom. I like this suit the most out of what we have seen, though it is far from being ideal for her form.
MS. PACMAN:I also like this suit the best. The top is perfect for her. Her rolls seem to be popping out of the bottom, though. A sarong would help this girl look better. I guess she wanted the bottom half of her body to look like her hair.
PACMAN:And finally for the drunk in your life, you have old faithful, the Budweiser bikini. If you are stacked and have a nice waist, be proud. The bikini is a great choice. The problem with bikinis, in my view, is not the suit, but the woman attempting to squeeze into it. While the bikini will never lose popularity, it is hardly perfect for busty girls unless they get them custom made. At a beach, you will not stand out in a crowd when the whole crowd is wearing the same thing.
MS. PACMAN:This suit is stupid.
Have a great summer!
Pacman and Ms. Pacman