ADIEU TW

THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The news that the utterly utter TW Girl has decided to embrace obscurity forever has not, on the whole, been received with enthusiasm by the community of her disciples and evangelists. No bells are ringing. No choirs are singing. In short, the sound of rejoicing has been conspicuous by its absence. It was much the same when The Beatles broke up. Many of us have not experienced feelings of such intense disappointment since Sigourney Weaver's transcendent Ripley removed her T-Shirt at the climax of Alien. Remember it? Yeah, the little harlot removed her T-Shirt in the escape pod only to reveal another fucking T-Shirt beneath...

TW has similarly cheated the audience by announcing that the current set of photographs is to be the last. Euphemistically, TW's girl has hung up her bra. Hmm, there's something not quite right about that last sentence because she never actually removed her bra to start with - but you know what I'm driving at.

This valedictory posting has confounded those who were certain that Ms TW would inevitably cash in on her voluptuous inscrutability and 'do a Diane Poppos...' The plot runs like this: girl with paralysing figure sets up website, and by 'word-of-mouse™' alone has the Score Group looking for the coveted blank chequebook. I'm assuming that the great and good over at Scoreland would have beaten Juggs to the punch if only for payback over losing the exclusives on Diane.

There's a calculated innocence about the TW Girl™ that makes me think she would give Juggs locker-room prose the finger. While Rhonda Baxter, Bianca Del Mar and Ms Poppos bear the indignities of Juggs' editorial style with admirable fortitude, I can't imagine banners like: Felicity - fucked by felching midgets, or: Candy - I lapped up his ass-gravy, sitting comfortably with a girl who has never quite managed to show the world her nipples.

So, seekers after the truth are left with only two workable theories. Either TW has fabulous wealth and can afford to pass up the marketing opportunities his truly astounding partner affords him, or they're being deliberately perverse. A third possibility - that TW and his girlfriend simply want to raise a family in the sure and certain knowledge that, some years down the line, the bible study group won't drum them out of town because somebody happened to leaf through an old copy of Voluptuous...

Adieu TW, the Mona Lisa of the mouse-mat. And thank you for messing with my adrenal gland for two whole years. It was worth every breath I caught and every heartbeat I skipped.