"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Everyone is familiar with this classic query, and equally familiar with the classic answer "to get to the other side." What many may not know is that this age-old question has fascinated writers, scientists and even statesmen of a philosophical bent. Many different scenarios have been worked out as to the why and wherefore of the chicken's crossing of the road, and the answers, ancient and modern, have profound philosophical ramifications. I have collected a number of these and present them below for your edification and enlightenment.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN
CROSS THE ROAD?

ST STEPHAN:
Well...

"...wouldn't you?"

MOSES:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road. And, lo: the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

PLATO:
For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

HIPPOCRATES:
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

SOME ROMAN DUDE BEGINNING WITH A "C":
Omnia gallina in tres partes delenda est.
(All chickens in these parts are self-destructive.)

BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

EIGHTH-CENTURY SAGA:
    Fleet came the fox, terrible toothèd,
    Faster the fowl: fleeing her fodder,
    Dauntless her dash. Full fifteen feet
    Reachèd the roadside, scurried to safety;
    Homeward to henhouse, unfed, unfeeding.

DANTE ALIGHIERI:
Abandon all hope, ye who traverse here.

NICCOLÒ MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken achieved its end of crossing the road: whatever motive there may have been is justified by its attainment of the other side of the road.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE:
    Observe how Captain Capon sallies forth.
    Mayhap he doth traverse the public way
    In cockeyed quest of what was in his youth
    From 'twixt his spindly legs unkindly snipp'd:
    A cocksure cock, uncock'd yet cocky still.

ADAM SMITH:
It was guided to the other side, as if by an invisible hand.

CHARLES DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road: it transcended it.

KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.

FRIEDRICH ENGELS:
Chickens of the world, unite!
You have nothing to lose but your yolks!

SIGMUND FREUD:
Cock-envy.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

LEON TROTSKY:
As a demonstration of solidarity with world chickendom.
(see ENGELS, FRIEDRICH)

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

JAMES JOYCE:
chickenrun cross roadtop seeking shade flipflapfeet fowling the steamingstickyblack ass fault. Sungod Apollo (catch a Tory?) broiling us, ignore him, only wants to gall us, domestic us! Shade rare as hence teeth in this heat wave to daddy with cap on awaits with hidden axe me no questions I'll tell you no lies just across the road island ready to slaughter in poule of blood then fry hapless friar tuck into that boys a culling airy masterpiece deserves the bloody pullet surprise...

TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not -- and I want to be very clear on this point -- the chicken did not cross the [expletive deleted] road.

GERALD FORD:
Uh...could you rephrase the question, please?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
I forget.

BILL CLINTON:
I have no recollection of any chicken, or any road, nor do I recollect any crossing action. I refuse to say anything more about the matter.

BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; however, if you are using an unlicensed version, it is programmed to shit all over your hard drive.

OLIVER STONE:
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?