It was over. I was on the plane and it was starting to rev its engines to lift me out of that place. A few short, hell-filled days at Ft. Benning, and now the first leg of a long journey that would bring me back home had begun. Now it was time to be fully away from Bosnia and back to the land from which I had been isolated these many months. On a personal level, this had been an incredible learning experience. I learned: never be an individual replacement. If you are an individual replacement, you get treated like an overdue UPS package, and then when you get to your final destination, you become the red-haired stepchild. Now, I was the package being shipped back. The plane was beginning to rock. It was one of those little commuter planes, making a short hop from Columbus to Atlanta. In Atlanta, I would board a large plane and start the longer legs of my journey.

You know how those small commuter planes out of small airports invariably go through last-minute situations wherein people actually bang on the side of the plane to be let in? Today was no different. There was a rapping on the door, and it was opened. There in a business suit was a man in his mid-30's. Kind of dressy for Columbus, I thought, but he stood aside and helped the real passenger into the plane. The real passenger, a slim, 25-ish, long-raven-haired beauty, wore a skin tight dress with a plunging neckline which revealed her -- at least -- G-cup breasts. It was looking to be an interesting flight. She shimmied and bounced down the aisle, brushing against everyone in the narrow plane. Then, in a flurry and a huff, she sat down. Next to ME! Within moments the plane was airborne.

"I have eyes," she said.

"I am sorry," I replied meekly, while I felt the heat from the blush of embarrassment on my face.

"Maybe I should charge you... Hi, I'm Ginger. I wear even less at work. I am a dancer; don't worry about it."

"No, I am sorry. It was rude of me to gawk. I have been in Bosnia these last few months, and you are certainly a quality that has been absent from my life. You are drop-dead sexy and gorgeous, but that's no reason to stare. I am sorry," I said.

"Bosnia?" she asked with a sly grin. "Maybe I should give you a free show? I've always liked soldiers."

"Ok, you win, I am tempted," I replied. "Should we continue this tease for the whole flight, or would you prefer to talk, or perhaps do you just want to look out the window?"

"But, I REALLY do like soldiers. Not all, but as a group, yes. Don't you want to share some time with a bimbo?" she said with a perplexed look on her face.

"I can't believe this... Don't stereotype me. No, I don't want to sit with a bimbo. I'd like to talk, or listen, or sleep, but I don't want an act going on," I said over the roar of the engine.

"Oh, sure, one of those, 'I want your brain while you stare at my tits' types," she replied somewhat curtly. "Is that your gig? Like we'd be chatting if I weighed 300 lbs?"

"I had to fly back from Germany sitting behind a bulkhead, with a woman who weighed at least 400 pounds sitting next to me," I said. "Her fat overflowed the seat and engulfed half of me. I had to endure this situation -- complicated by her bad body odor -- for eight hours. I had to hold her food for her, because no tray would fit over her. You, my dear, are a delightful change. I would be a liar if I didn't say you're hot and that I thoroughly enjoy your beauty and presence. However, yes, you are right: I do enjoy the view created by the clothes you chose to wear. Now, can we just talk?"

"Wow, 400 pounds? Really?" she asked.

"400 pounds. Really," I sighed.

"OK, let's start over. I'm Bernice, and I am going up to Atlanta for a gig," she said.

"Bernice?" I asked with a smile.

"BE NICE! Yeah, that's why I am Ginger now," she said with an airhead giggle for effect. (Oh, and what effect! Her breasts began to wobble with that cutesy laugh.)

We had a wonderful chat. She was actually interested in foreign affairs (no, not that kind)... er, foreign relations, then (ok, give a guy a break here)... fine, we talked about the US around the world (no, not us doing "around the world". Please!!!)... world events! We talked about world events! (No, I am not going to say "the intercourse of nations"!) ANYHOW, it was nice to have a prolonged talk with a beautiful, busty, intelligent woman. It was a marvelous time, and went very well. We exchanged phone numbers and planned to have dinner later that evening.

You know, all the above is absolutely true, except she didn't sit by me, and we didn't talk. Then again, it's my column, and I am back in the States now. So... sure we talked, and it was a wonderful evening to boot!

:-P
~Bad Irving