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T Y P E W R I T E R
M O N K E Y S |
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MISC
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BEHAVIOR |
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ST
STEPHAN has some bad news, and some other bad news which has
turned into good news. The bad news is that his progress towards
true sainthood is gravely imperiled by numerous local and interweb
distractions. The other bad news is that his penchant for huge
breasts and his intercourse with the Breast Expansion Archive
was recently discovered when a brother came upon the Archbishop,
uh, enjoying - flagrante delicto - Stephan's copious collection.
Well, since it was the Archbishop himself, the upshot is that
Stephan has been named missionary to big-breast lovers everywhere,
with residence at the BEA. And like any good missionary, he
must be fluent in the language of his flock, viz. big boobs,
as a means of bringing you to the Bosom of the Church (see?).
So, gratia Deo, expect more memorable mammary material from
His Holiness, but rather more directed towards the True Faith
than of late (cf. the Thanksgiving and Christmas/St Stephen's
Day contributions). And rest assured that St Stephan intends
to derive complete fulfillment from his missionary position.
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PLATO
VOLTAIRE, longtime writer of cop stories involving well-endowed
female officers, is currently taking a working vacation on the
planet Outback. He's doing research for an upcoming movie that
will involve two of his most popular characters, Lynnae and
June. Part of the research will involve participation in the
Sea of Derby beach scene. Since bikini volleyball and wet t-shirt
competitions are held on a regular basis on the Sea of Derby
beaches, it will be quite some time before we'll hear from Plato
again. |
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JUDGE
OAF is Senior Judge of the Superior Court of the BE-Archive.
He is a proud citizen of "Nawth Kalina", and is married to the
buxom and fiercely erotic Miz Judge Oaf (lucky him!) His hobbies
include making wholesale "adjustments" to the BE-Archive Judicial
Code. Mostly for his own personal exploitation and enjoyment.
Hizzoner dispenses Justice to a grateful, adoring, if somewhat
puzzled, citizenry. |
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Columnist
MYCROFT (age 51) disappeared in 1993 after claiming to have
discovered the unofficial porn collection of the Vatican. He
hasn't been the same since he returned two years ago. Wrote
a book on brainwashing techniques. Tries to give up his longtime
habit of sleep to have a second life at night. |
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"Charlies
in the wire! Charlies in the wire!" I hear the cry. I look for
the claymore or fougass clackers, but no time... "Charlies in
the wire!" I unsling my M-16, charge it and feel the selector
with my right thumb as I flick it to automatic.. "Charlies in
the wire!" I raise the rifle with careful aim, and then Johnny
hits me. "Man can't you see Charlie is stuck in the wire, now
go cut him out!" Damn Vietnam flashbacks! What I hate most about
them is never having been in Vietnam to begin with. Well, this
here is Bosnia, and will just have to do. So, what do I do?
What in the world does BAD IRVING do? Several of my employers
over the years have asked that very question, which explains
why I have had several employers over the years. Right now,
what I do is field work for BEhavior. I bet you didn't
know we had a field reporter. Guess again, that's me. I'll always
remember the day gonZo (our illustrious editor) tells me, "Bad,
we here on the staff would really appreciate it if you would
leave the country." Wow, an international beat! I said, "So,
where to, chief?" At which point gonZo laughed, "Good Rid--
I mean, welcome to the team. Why don't you start off by verifying
our reports that landmines spur breast development? Some detailed
field work would be of interest. Oh, and here's some ear plugs.".
With that, the rest is history. :-P |
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Sanitized
for your safety: JUSTMEMIKE writes the "Mai Pehn Rai" column
for Behavior and the "Also On Video" column for R & D. JMM also
handles recruitment of new writers for Behavior Contact him
for story submissions. When he isn't at the keyboard, you might
find JMM at a baseball game, or on some vacation in Europe or
Asia. And he loves cats and dogs. |
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FRANZ
is the F of F&K, the hard-working Italian morpher couple Franz75
& Katia, and has always had a big mouth. Since he wore short
pants, he has spent most of his time busting his schoolmates'
balls with his ideas on such things as the Existence of the
Supernatural, the Meaning of Life, Immortality, and Tits. Today,
few things have changed (apart from his pants): having specialized
in the study of formal logic, he started to morph, and he claims
he won't stop until he has calculated the golden section of
boobs. Feeling sure he'll never find it, Chili Palmer agreed
to host his works. Franz lives on in the vain illusion that
what he does is art, and that one day he'll have his own gallery
in the Peggy Guggenheim Museum. His friends are too kind to
tell him the truth. |
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NICKLAUS
really prefers 'Nik', with a 'k' and no 'c', but will answer
to pretty much anything, unlike his dumb dog. Nik's greatest
contribution to mankind is PINUPS! Nik became a "breast man"
when, as a horny teenager, he was rifling through old Indy 500
yearbooks and discovered the amazing proportions of one Miss
Hurst Golden Shifter, Linda Vaughn. Nik thought ecstatically
that all girls grew up to look like the this sun-kissed Golden
Girl, but was later much distraught to find out otherwise, and
has dedicated his life to the glorification of the most buxiferous,
colossally-appointed members of the fairer sex, and inventing
new titillating words like "buxiferous". |
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GONZO
has scrolled to the bottom of this page without using his hands. |
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