Columnist MyCroft (age 51) disappeared in 1993 after claiming to have discovered the unofficial porn collection of the Vatican. He hasn't been the same since he returned two years ago. Wrote a book on brainwashing techniques. Tries to give up his longtime habit of sleep to have a second life at night.

BAD IRVING's bio: Don't you get tried of reading the same author BIOS month after month? (Yea, like we change or something.) Don't confuse the issue with the facts. The fact is, my history is not complete. Rather, it doesn't say much at all yet. So, I have been asked to come clean. In order to come clean, obviously, I need to bathe first. Here I am, just as naked as a jay bird in my bubble bath. At last I am clean, and can reveal the real Bad Irving to the masses. While I am rising out of the tub, it hits me. Heck, you don't want me to come clean; it's all a scam to see me naked! So, I rapidly cover my crotch and stick out my tongue. Oh crap, that won't do! This is the BEarchive, you all want to see my boobies! My hands fly to my tits, and then I realize my crotch is exposed again! Its time to dive for the concealment of those bubbles. Finally, I am safe at last. Wait... you there! Get your hands off that stopper!!! :-P

Sanitized for your safety: JUSTMEMIKE writes the "Mai Pehn Rai" column for Behavior and the "Also On Video" column for R & D. JMM also handles recruitment of new writers for Behavior Contact him for story submissions. When he isn't at the keyboard, you might find JMM at a baseball game, or on some vacation in Europe or Asia. And he loves cats and dogs.

FRANZ is the F of F&K, the hard-working Italian morpher couple Franz75 & Katia, and has always had a big mouth. Since he wore short pants, he has spent most of his time busting his schoolmates' balls with his ideas on such things as the Existence of the Supernatural, the Meaning of Life, Immortality, and Tits. Today, few things have changed (apart from his pants): having specialized in the study of formal logic, he started to morph, and he claims he won't stop until he has calculated the golden section of boobs. Feeling sure he'll never find it, Chili Palmer agreed to host his works. Franz lives on in the vain illusion that what he does is art, and that one day he'll have his own gallery in the Peggy Guggenheim Museum. His friends are too kind to tell him the truth.

NICKLAUS really prefers 'Nik', with a 'k' and no 'c', but will answer to pretty much anything, unlike his dumb dog. Nik's greatest contribution to mankind is PINUPS! Nik became a "breast man" when, as a horny teenager, he was rifling through old Indy 500 yearbooks and discovered the amazing proportions of one Miss Hurst Golden Shifter, Linda Vaughn. Nik thought ecstatically that all girls grew up to look like the this sun-kissed Golden Girl, but was later much distraught to find out otherwise, and has dedicated his life to the glorification of the most buxiferous, colossally-appointed members of the fairer sex, and inventing new titillating words like "buxiferous".

ARC TANGENT is the pseudonym of a regular BEArchive visitor who regularly contributes irregular material to Behavior

GONZO is developing a painful case of Laptop Nads.

BUZZ D LOVE is a rake, a raconteur, a boob man, and a connoisseur of good comic art who is making his first appearance in BEhavior.

ST STEPHAN has some bad news, and some other bad news which has turned into good news. The bad news is that his progress towards true sainthood is gravely imperiled by numerous local and interweb distractions. The other bad news is that his penchant for huge breasts and his intercourse with the Breast Expansion Archive was recently discovered when a brother came upon the Archbishop, uh, enjoying - flagrante delicto - Stephan's copious collection. Well, since it was the Archbishop himself, the upshot is that Stephan has been named missionary to big-breast lovers everywhere, with residence at the BEA. And like any good missionary, he must be fluent in the language of his flock, viz. big boobs, as a means of bringing you to the Bosom of the Church (see?). So, gratia Deo, expect more memorable mammary material from His Holiness, but rather more directed towards the True Faith than of late (cf. the Thanksgiving and Christmas/St Stephen's Day contributions). And rest assured that St Stephan intends to derive complete fulfillment from his missionary position.

PLATO VOLTAIRE, longtime writer of cop stories involving well-endowed female officers, is currently taking a working vacation on the planet Outback. He's doing research for an upcoming movie that will involve two of his most popular characters, Lynnae and June. Part of the research will involve participation in the Sea of Derby beach scene. Since bikini volleyball and wet t-shirt competitions are held on a regular basis on the Sea of Derby beaches, it will be quite some time before we'll hear from Plato again.

JUDGE OAF is Senior Judge of the Superior Court of the BE-Archive. He is a proud citizen of "Nawth Kalina", and is married to the buxom and fiercely erotic Miz Judge Oaf (lucky him!) His hobbies include making wholesale "adjustments" to the BE-Archive Judicial Code. Mostly for his own personal exploitation and enjoyment. Hizzoner dispenses Justice to a grateful, adoring, if somewhat puzzled, citizenry.