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ell, here I am in Bosnia! Heck, I am even still online, albeit
with a 4.8K modem! I'll never forget the day I arrived: a
crowd of Bosniacs met me at the gate chanting "Irving, Irving,
Irving!" What a welcome! (It was only later that I found out
that "Irving" translates to "Yankee Imperialist Invader, my
sister is a virgin and only 30 DM").
As
I write this I am surrounded by snow, a good four feet of it
- oops, my mistake, we have to talk centimeters, well I am surrounded
by a whole truckload of centimeters of snow. We got this snow
over the last three days with more on the way. Mind you, up
in Hungary and Germany they're singing it's springtime for somebody,
but down here, oh boy, it's snow and lots of it. What I dislike
about the snow is how it makes the fairer sex (hmmm, never met
a woman that was fair... well, maybe fare) bundle up, like they
want to stay warm or something? However, we already covered
such subjects in how to check out babes in uniform.
Today, we are going to talk about bras! Cool! You know I really
like bras. I just love the way they hold breasts up and put
them on display. I like the way that they can add jiggle to
some breasts and yet stop others from moving. I love how they
can take sloppy breasts and give them shape and direction.
I am amazed how they can take long flat breasts and make them
look shorter and fuller. Frankly, the bra is one of my favorite
garments. It's just so Christmassy, you know, the wrapping
on your favorite gifts. I know I am not alone in my appreciation
of the brassiere.
One of the areas I have always been inquisitive about, and
always rebuffed, was: what's it like to wear a bra? I always
get, "You just wear it" or "It's there, no big deal". HEY!
We are talking guys' interest in the mysterious female undergarment.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL. Well, those non-talking ladies have been
found out! I now know, intimately, what it is like to wear
a bra. I am wearing one right now as I type! Whoa, is there
something about Bad Irving we REALLY need to know - or perhaps
don't want to know??!! Oh, back off. I am about as straight
as someone could be. If I was any straighter you'd cut yourself
on the corners. As far as "dress up", that is left to the
fantasy realm of my stories. To paraphrase Mongo from Blazing
Saddles: "Ah, Bad Irving straight." So, how do I intimately
know about wearing a bra? Well, what do you call straps around
your chest, meant to hold heavy objects, which you wear all
day long, except for showering, and then take it off to go
to bed? A bra!
...Or a shoulder holster. I have had a damn 9 mm strapped
to the left side of my chest and 30 rounds of ammo strapped
to the right side of my chest since I got here, sleeping and
showering excluded. I think that, maybe, I have some insight
into this bra-wearing situation. So, be prepared to have the
veil of mystery removed! You all shall now know the world
of wearing a BRA!
OK, first things first. You wake up in the morning free of
encumbrances. But, you are waking up! It's that old groggy
routine and getting the sleepies out of your eyes. So, you
go through your morning hygiene and then have to get dressed.
Then you see it lying there. Your "special" friend for the
day. You might say your bosom buddy! Some mornings you look
at it with dread, other mornings it's OK, but most mornings
it's just something you have to do and not very special. You
approach donning it based on the kind it is. Mine hooks in
front. So, I slide one arm through (always the left arm first,
you develop a habit in donning these things) and then with
my right arm I bring it across my back. I then get it in front
and hook it. Not done yet, you then have to bend and stretch
and get everything adjusted in place. You don't do these brief
moments for anybody's excitement, rather it's done to prevent
pinching and binding while you wear the thing. Then you finish
getting dressed and it's off to face the day.
During the day you are unconsciously adjusting and moving
it a bit to avoid binding or pinching. If it fits right the
number of daily adjustments is minimal, but alas, they are
still there. They become so common you don't think about them
after a while. (Unless of course you have a very active day,
with running, because then no matter how well everything is
in place, you have a great amount of bouncing and jiggling,
which can become most annoying during those periods of activity.
After the activity you have to adjust yourself all over again.
During these times you wish you did not have those big guns
on your chest. On the other hand, you thoroughly enjoy the
fact of having big guns if you need to show them to somebody.
In that case, the bigger the better.) This will get you through
the day to where you can finally slip it off. Taking it off
is a lot faster and more enjoyable than putting it on! By
the end of the day it's a relief to get out of the thing!
Finally, it's off and you are free once again! But your freedom
is short-lived because it will start all over again on the
morrow.
The wearing of this item becomes routine, a chore, and second
nature after a while. It also explains why, when asked, a
woman responds that there isn't much to talk about when she
wears a bra. However, if we 'fess up, we knew all along there
isn't much experience to relate: it's rather the subject matter,
and her talking about them, we find so interesting.
:-P
-- Bad Irving
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