and thanks for calling the NanoForm Technologies Help Line. I'm a NanoFlex support technician, and my name is Jerome. May I have your registration number, please?"

. . .

"Nine-five-one-four-two-six-oh? Okay, let me pull up your records..."

. . .

"Mister... Freeman, is it? Okay, I see you received one of our NanoFlex 19000 implants on February tenth. How may I help you, sir?"

. . .

"Well, Mister Freeman, there are a number of possible reasons for that. As you probably know, your NanoFlex implant has been designed to spontaneously morph your body to conform to the physical requirements of whatever task you're... what was that, sir?"

. . .

"Yes sir, I'd say that a five-foot penis is a little excessive. It's well within the NanoFlex operating parameters, of course, but one shouldn't run into many situations that would, uh, require a five-foot penis, so..."

. . .

"Yes sir, I would agree that you apparently have run into one. Were you engaging in sex, perhaps? Attempting to pry something open? Extinguishing a large fire? Pissing for distance?"

. . .

"Okay, sex... we've had a few calls about minor problems with the 19000 model during sex. Sir, is your partner unconscious or bleeding at the moment?"

. . .

"I'm sorry, sir, did you say she's begging for more?"

. . .

"Sir, I find it hard to believe that your wife could handle a five-foot penis without..."

. . .

"Oh. Well, what's her registration number?"

. . .

"Uh huh. One moment while I pull up her records... her name is Jane?"

. . .

"Okay, I see here that she received a NanoFlex 21000 implant on April seventeenth; is that correct?"

. . .

"Well, sir, I'm sorry to say that this could be a problem. Your wife's NanoFlex 21000 implant is a superior product, but your series 19000 model has a tendency to be somewhat competitive. Is your wife experiencing any pain at the moment?"

. . .

"She can't answer because her mouth is full of what?"

. . .

"Sir, I thought you said your penis was..."

. . .

"Another penis? Oh dear. Well, it sounds as if your implant may be over-performing..."

. . .

"Oh. How many penises do you currently have?"

. . .

"Well, how many penises does she currently have?"

. . .

"Uh, no sir, I don't think it's particularly important who has more of them at the moment..."

. . .

"Well, sir, if she's growing penises, I suppose it's only natural that you'd be growing vaginas. Your implants are attempting to outdo each other, and may have gone into what we call a cascade mode. That's why NanoForm Technologies officially recommends that NanoFlex implantees avoid physical contact with other NanoFlex implantees..."

. . .

"No, sir, I don't think it means you're a homosexual. Your 19000 implant is probably just implementing some relatively minor hormonal changes in response to your wife's penises..."

. . .

"Well, I suppose it's not totally impossible that you could be pregnant, sir, but..."

. . .

"Well sir, I'd say that if you're a larger person overall than your wife, it stands to reason that your breasts would be larger than..."

. . .

"You mean kitchen-size garbage bags?"

. . .

"Lactating?"

. . .

"Well, how many breasts do you currently have between the two of you?"

. . .

"Sure, I'll wait..."

. . .

"Yes, sir, twenty-nine does seem like quite a lot. I'm not sure how your implants will attempt to deal with the challenge of stimulating all of those..."

. . .

"Tentacles?"

. . .

"With mouths? Is that why you kind of sound like a chorus over the phone?"

. . .

"Oh. Yeah, four talking assholes does sound rather excessive, but under the circumstances... what's that?"

. . .

"Well, I'm talking to you on a telephone, sir. What are you talking to me on?"

. . .

"Oh. And she's plugged directly into the wall?"

(and so on, to infinity...)