So, you wanna see my smut collection? Come on in. Close the door... pull the curtains shut... here it is. Isn't that a fine example of Ustilago maydis? I found it in my neighbor's cornfield. What? That's not the smut you mean? Oh... you want to see my OTHER smut collection! Well, it's over here....

Putting the fungi aside for a moment, I've been wondering why I have a collection of smut... the kind that you probably have, too, you pervert. My smut library has three wings: the jpeg gallery, the video theater, and the magazine room.

The jpegs are what I wonder about the most. I've been hearing about people who have massive collections of images. My own collection currently consists of 1494 images, filling 461 MB of disk space. Small by the standards of some. Half of these images are pictures of one model. Do you think I'm obsessed? What do I do with all these images? It's not like I sit at the computer and browse my galleries. It's more a vault than a museum. I can't even remember all the models I have, let alone all the layouts they appear in or poses they strike.

It's so easy to collect jpegs. Just be patient while they download. You can use auto-downloaders in the newsgroups. When Danni's Hard Drive has had free access, I've downloaded dozens of images. Later I don't even know why. Download fever just got me, I guess.

I occasionally reorganize my ever-growing jpeg collection, fertilizing here, weeding there. Just lately I gave it a severe pruning. I have favorite models, and I have lots of images of them that I'll keep. (If you need to know, my current favorites are SaRenna, Sophia Capri, Chloe, Linsey, and Lovette, in no particular order.) Then there's all the others. It seems like I had to have images of every big-bust model that caught my eye. Why in the world did I collect pictures of Molly Molehills? She's grotesque. (Please don't write asking for pictures of Molly.) And here's Tina Tetons. I've heard that a manipulative boyfriend coerced her into getting the mega-implants. Knowing that, I can't enjoy her pictures. Betty Bunnybumps was rather unpleasant when I met her in a club. So they're all gonna go. That still leaves a lot of jpegs, though.

What would I do if my hard disk crashed and my ZIP backup disks were damaged? Would I despair? Would I start downloading again? Would I get over it and move on...possibly find a big-busted girlfriend who would cradle my weary head between her soft, luscious... let's leave that alone for now.

Then there are the videos I just have to have... I can't wait to see them. (I just ordered the new hardcore Chloe tape; now I'm waiting impatiently for it to arrive.) After the first viewing, the big-tit tapes mostly languish in my closet, collecting dust. I pull one out once in a great while, but not very often. I guess I'm glad to have them... I don't think I'll dispose of them. But I'm not really a video kind of guy. Can you sense some ambivalence here?

Magazines are the easiest to rationalize. I like the physical reality magazines have that jpegs lack. I collect magazines with pictorials of my favorites, and I collect issues of Score. I just filled in the last gap to complete my Score collection. (Thanks, cygor!) I get pleasure from looking at that long row of magazines on the shelf, and from knowing that I have lots of different pictorials of my favorite models. I take my magazines out for a look fairly often.

What would I do if I lost my collection in a fire? Would I try to rebuild it? Would I let it go? A disturbing mental image: While I stand by the ruins of my smoking house, a fireman comforts me, "We couldn't save your Score collection, but here's part of a Juggs that's only a little crisp around the edges." My neighbors look on in disgust. And well they should... Juggs is pretty darn scuzzy.

Am I proud of my collection? I'm proud of the great Boob Cruise pictures I've taken; I have several framed and hanging on my walls. I'm proud of the photo of me holding two big handsful of SaRenna. As for the rest, I'm not proud, exactly, but I'm not ashamed, either. Am I happy to have it? I guess so, and it beats wasting money on lottery tickets. Do I show my collection to friends and acquaintances? Are you crazy? The framed pictures are replaced by nature photos when I have visitors, and the magazines and videos stay in the closet.

My life doesn't revolve around my smut collection. (OK, I check the BEArchive nearly every day, but I'm online checking emails anyway. Really, I am.) I have other hobbies and interests that I spend more time on. Today's mail brought two magazines, and I opened the astronomy magazine first. Tonight I'm going stargazing.

Some day I'll get hit by a bus or suffer a massive heart attack hiking in the deep woods. Someone will go through my stuff and find my smut collection. Sorry to shock you... I know, you thought I was an upstanding citizen, a hard worker, a voter, and I even kept my house clean and my lawn neatly mowed, for the most part. But I had this unseen side. Hey, it didn't make me a bad person. I had other, more socially-acceptable interests too, you know.

So, where does all this leave me? I'm not going to dump my smut collection, at least not for a while. A little bit of smut never hurt anybody (or any cornfields). I'm going to keep trimming it, though. But... I just discovered some jpegs of Kara Carpathians that I haven't seen before....

Please... somebody... anybody... stop me before I download again.