We've had some rather depressing weeks here at BEhavior with all the breast reduction talk! Gosh, I think it's time once again to blow things all out of proportion. Yes: let's talk breast augmentation! This is all very personal to me, as I am personally going under the knife (a.k.a. surgery) on Monday, May 3.

Bloated hooters; erstwhile real-life BE! These can indeed be a beautiful sight! They can certainly grab attention! I was speaking to my doctor about this today. It was our final chat before the surgery on Monday. The funny thing in breast augmentation is that you talk about how many cup sizes you want to increase, and the Doc talks about how many CC's to put in you! Hey, I wanted to talk DD, not CC! So, you get into all these weird conversion discussions about how many CC's in you will equate to how big a C you'll be.

To begin discussing size, you first have to get the Doc on board your breast augmentation train. Seems a lot of them, though paid to do so, just won't do an augmentation unless you convince them you "need" it. There are a couple of possible approaches: 1) I have figure defects that this will resolve, and it will improve my self image, or 2) I have been flat-chested long enough and need some attention, damn it! I'm obviously an advocate of #2. You see, with #2, you can go for the big increase -- like four or more cup sizes. If I want to convince him it's so I can buy my clothes off the rack; then asking for a "rack" that is a custom size only defeats that very argument.

Since I've gotten the Doc on the bigger-is-better train, the question becomes: how big? Depends on the person a lot. For those really jumbo sizes, one needs to have a large chest to begin with. If I want to go from an A to a F or G cup in one operation; I'll wind up with tits so hard and firm they might as well say "Front Toward Enemy", cause it will look like a couple of Claymore mines strapped to my chest. This isn't necessarily a bad look. My pinup example of that look would be Pam Anderson (before implant removal); a great looker in clothes, but over-inflated when seen naked. But there's a deep sensuality involved in the over-inflated look! What? Yes, the purpose of being over-inflated is to draw men's attention and elicit their emotions. To me, that's a very sexy and sensual act: over-inflation possesses a unique sensuality all its own that can really be a turn-on. Then again, I don't know if I really want to smuggle beach balls for the rest of my life, sexy or not.

So, what size do I opt for? I need attention, but I'd like real-looking boobs. Arrgh! Real-looking boobs! That can be difficult, regardless of the size you choose. If I leave that argument fallow, I would opt for the F to G range; hey, I want attention! The trick would be getting that big and still looking real, so I decide that F to G is an unrealistic goal. Therefore, I opt for a small DD with an option for more later.

Knowing I am going to DD answers the question of how much plastic they are going to cram into me before they inflate it with saline. Yes, saline! I tried to talk to the Doc about soybean oil, but it seems he couldn't get it in time to support the surgery. I suggested the supermarket, but he preferred not. Probably because of some farm-worker contract. I like saline better than silicone. Why? I like the idea of saline because it will make your boobies sag. Sag!? Yes, sag! Make them look like real boobs! Remember, I want to look real, not like I have on an invisible bra!

We're almost done! We have convinced the Doc to do the surgery. We have the size of implants decided. We even have filler for the implant decided. Last question: how will he cram those things into me? You got your old-fashioned under-the-breast, your old-fashioned through-the-nipple, your under-the-muscle, your through-the-armpit, and your through-the-belly-button options. If you know me, there would only be one choice: yup, through-the-belly-button. In the belly-button option, you basically snake a tube through the belly-button, up to and underneath each breast. The implants are then fed through the tube into position. After positioning, the tube is then used to pump the saline into the implants. The tube is then removed and viola: nice knockers, no scars!

There you have it, good reader. I am all set now. Unfortunately, as the doctor reminded me, I am only having knee surgery on Monday.

:-P
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