I've gone down to parts of LA where a nice little Jewish boy like me probably shouldn't go; I've made hundred-mile round trips through heavy traffic, heavy rain, even heavy traffic and rain to see a favorite dancer. Once, on New Year's Eve, with my wife's blessing (and heavy eye rolling), I even went to a club to see Lisa Lipps and Wendy Whoppers perform together. (Remember, Wendy?) I've sat in chairs with stains I could not identify, in clubs with drug deals going down, and clubs controlled by organized crime families. Once, I found myself in Iowa in February, without transportation, and still managed to get to a club that had Heather Hooters performing (hey, a little snowstorm never hurt anyone, right?) Am I obsessive? Perhaps, but I know what I like and I am willing to pay to see it.

When I walk into a club, it is never with less than $200 in my pocket (usually $400 or so). I hate leaving with more than $100 still in it. Sometimes, though, I'm forced to, for various reasons. Now, unlike some of my other strip club acquaintances, when I go to a club, it is not to chat up and psychoanalyze the dancers but to enjoy a supremely visual and tactile experience. I like naked young women dancing in front of and/or on me, and am happy to pay for the privilege of experiencing same. While the ambience of a club will rarely make or break my experience, the dancers often do.

It is amazing to me that in a business that is based nearly 100% on assaulting the visual sense, dancers whose livelihoods depend on looking as beautiful as possible often do not have a clue as to what works or does not work for them. Additionally, though most have to pay exorbitant stage fees and tipouts to other personnel there, they often waste huge amounts of time with various attitude problems...also not conducive to transferring my money to their purses.

I posted this list of dancer peccadilloes on another bulletin board, and was roundly criticized by a few dancers and a few pussywhipped men who thought I was overly harsh on the dancers. They completely misunderstood the intent of this small catalog of sins, which was to help a dancer maximize her opportunities at making money in the limited time she has to have a successful dancing career. With that in mind, I give you...

1) What could you possibly be talking to the DJ about for 20 minutes? He's not buying any laps, last time I checked.

2) Speaking of club DJ's, that device in front of you is called a microphone. Its purpose is to amplify your voice. No need to yell into a sound amplifier, okay?

3) White and off-white do NOT go together. Ever. And you need a guy to tell you this?

4) That long, filmy negligee you like to wear? Lose it, it's hideous. White ones are bad, black is worse, and red is off-the-scale awful.

5) No one (at least no one at a stripclub) fantasizes about black leather bras with studs on it. All it does is compress your tits.

6) It's called shoe polish. Try it some time. It's even tax deductible for your purposes.

7) If you have a big ass, please don't wear hip huggers that make it look even bigger. Same for horizontal-striped anything. Are you trying to look like a WWF wrestler?

8) If you have pale skin (some might call it "pasty"), don't wear red. It makes you look like the walking dead, especially if you dye your hair bleach blonde, too, which most of you seem to think is the proper hair color. In fact, unless you're Asian, don't ever wear red. For some reason, Asian dancers can get away with red.

9) If you've got big tits, that's probably why I picked you for a lapdance. Don't spend three-fourths of the song showing me your ass, please.

10) "No, thank you," means I'm not interested. And yes, I am sure.

11) Goth dancers? Oh yeah, I've always fantasized about getting a lapdance by someone with gray lipstick. Sheesh. [Chili's note: This is the one that pissed off the most people, for some reason.]

12) If you're 10 feet away and I make eye contact with you, I probably would like a dance. Come on over. Conversely, if I am doing my best to ignore the fact you were ever born, I probably am waiting for someone/anyone else.

13) Never take off your shoes onstage. This is your spotlight time, and doing so only detracts form your appearance vis-ˆ-vis the other dancers with whom you are competing.

14) Please don't talk to another dancer / customer / club employee while you are giving me a lap. At $20 for 3 minutes (a $400 hourly rate), I think I deserve your undivided attention.

15) Even with a hard-on, I can still count to five. If you want to make it six, I'll pay it once, but never again.

Of course, it's not just the dancers who do things that can drive me crazy. The patrons of the clubs are often the crudest, most boorish people on earth. It's almost as if they think that just because a woman gets naked for a living, she is no longer a human being. Nothing is more annoying than someone who doesn't understand the basic rules of stripclubbing. Here then, are what the men do that annoy me (and the dancers as well).

1) It's called a tip rail for a reason. Use it or sit in the back.

2) If you're at the rail, don't turn around to look at another dancer working the floor. Do you have any idea how rude that is?

3) Just because you're in a bar doesn't mean we can't smell your farts. One of the few unintended drawbacks to the California anti-smoking laws.

4) Don't ever come into a club w/o money. Do you really think beautiful 19 year olds are going to sit next to you for free?

5) As a matter of fact, until you pointed it out, Sherlock, she didn't know she had big tits. Good thing you stopped by.

6) You know that load of BS you keep trying on every single dancer? If you're gonna keep using it, can you at least bring some insulin for those us who have to hear it over and over again? And stop grabbing every dancer by the arm as she walks by, and then refusing to get a dance from any of them.

7) Can you at least look up once in a while from the pool table? Maybe not every girl is worth your time, but just look at that one over there, would you?

8) Just because you have a regular dancer you like, does not mean you "own" her when you come in the club.

9) Enjoying the view, Costanza? Remember that another man's laps may be glanced at, not stared.

10) Has anyone ever seen a bachelor party spend more than $20 on anything besides beer? All they seem to do is block the stage for half an hour and then get up and annoy people at some other club.

11) Does it really matter how big they are? I doubt if you know the difference between a 34B and a 32C anyway, so why ask?

Do you have your list of strip club faux pas? If you do, write to me and share your experiences. I'd love to read them. Till next time, happy clubbing, and may all your mileage be off the scale in the next Millennium.