As part of the ongoing program to improve the BEArchive's user experience, a new Artificially Intelligent Response Engine has been installed in the BEA forum. This Engine will bring unprecedented ease to your day-to-day breast-expansion communications by automatically posting many of the customary messages and responses necessary to simulate the conversational richness of the BEA Forum experience.

Do you always seem to find the VCR Alert messages too late to catch the shows? Weep no more! The Response Engine will constantly scan television program schedules and post a VCR Alert message each time a keyphrase like "breast", "enhancement", or "look at me now!" appears in the descriptions of upcoming Jenny Jones shows. Moreover, following the air dates of those shows, the Engine will post replies to its own post, complaining that its VCR malfunctioned (yes, the Response Engine is equipped with a state-of-the-art misconfigured VCR), and that it hopes somebody else taped it. If nobody responds to its follow-up posts, the Engine will then initiate an infinite loop of vidcap requests. A similar routine will scan the Ricki Lake listings for the keyphrases "all that", "da bomb", and "got it going on".

The Engine will also search the internet for new big-breast and breast-expansion websites, and will automatically post dubious first-person testimonials of their excellence in the forum. To make these posts even more lifelike, the Engine will include incomplete or erroneous links to the sites in the initial messages, then post strings of fascinating complaints about it.

Several of the Response Engine's routines scan the BEA User Gallery for particular types of activity and respond accordingly. For example, each time an image is deleted from the gallery, the Engine will automatically post an angry demand for an explanation from the uploader, followed by a cascade of replies from a contentious group of simulated moderators, who will argue about interpretations of the uploading rules until the discussion becomes too muddy to be informative. To facilitate this particular subroutine, the Response Engine has been equipped with a "Moderator With A Grudge" module (MODWAG) capable of deleting gallery posts at the slightest provocation.

One of the Engine's most sophisticated gallery-scanning routines will be triggered each time TW uploads new TW Girl photos to the User Gallery. After detecting the new pics in the gallery, the Engine will post a "Thank You TW" message in the forum, then reply to its message with several more thank-you posts. Following that, it will reply with a message suggesting that one or both of the latest pics has been morphed, followed by a fearful message stating that surely TW is sincere and wouldn't mislead us that way, followed by a reassuring message contending that TW doesn't usually seem offended by accusations that the pics are faked, followed by a message suggesting that perhaps TW isn't offended because the pics are indeed faked, followed by a message containing the crowning rebuke: "Just shut up and enjoy them". Afterwards, the routine will initiate a twice-daily cycle of increasingly hysterical "TW, where are you?" messages until TW posts again.

Additionally, the Response Engine's TW routine will occasionally choose a naturally-endowed nude model at random from its database, post a message claiming that TW's Girl is really the chosen model, and follow-up with a range of replies covering the full spectrum of responses from blind acceptance to brutal, sarcastic rejection.

Another bleeding-edge artificial intelligence routine has been designed to faithfully simulate Cappy flare-ups, from the initial "Hey, look at me, I'm misbehaving" post, through the intermediate "I can be reasonable" post, to the final "I've had it with you motherfuckers and I'm never coming back" post. The routine is also capable of generating barrages of replies, including sarcastic responses from a Mammeister simulation and multicolored line-by-line dissections from a TransPonder subroutine, all plotted on lifelike slow-boil curves. The routine will also realistically lock and/or delete Cappy threads if they become genuinely interesting. To further heighten the realism, the Cappy simulation will always post a new "Hey, look at me" topic three days after its previous "I'm never coming back" post (randomly utilizing its Poorly Disguised Pseudonym Generator), and will remain unshakably convinced that it is smarter than all the other routines.

Finally, the Response Engine is capable of simulating a broad array of lurkers, spammers, sycophants, smartasses, snotty purists, and extreme fetishists, each with its own distinctive set of typographical and grammatical shortcomings. Particularly noteworthy are the "griping non-member demanding extended gallery access" and "sinister, monosyllabic lurker who likes 'em huge" modules, which rely on code classified as non-exportable weapons technology by the United States Department of Defense.

And so, as we activate the Artificially Intelligent Response Engine and set course for the new millennium, we invite you to sit back and enjoy your new, lively, automatically interesting BEArchive Forum. Understandably, some of you will prefer the old, user-driven forum to the new, automatic one, but never fear: while you're reading this, the Response Engine is already posting complaints about itself.