An Odyssey into the Bosom of America

ooking for The American Dream? Would you want 2.3 cars, your own home on 4 or more acres, 2.3 children, a trophy wife, a swimming pool, lots of money in the bank, a country home, a city apartment, a boat, four weeks vacation a year, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and your boss loves you. Yes, that's one version of the American Dream. Another version might be the job held by Elliot James. Elliot writes a column in SCORE Magazine called Boob Beat. Basically, Elliot's work is to chronicle the life and times of the biggest breasted women on the planet; he gets to talk with them, hang with them, and take pictures with them. God, I'd love to have his job. No doubt many of you would too. Elliot James lives in Las Vegas, the pleasure capital of the western world, and he has graciously agreed to talk with us. Get comfy and have some snacks handy. Everything you ever wanted to know about working in the big breast industry is about to be revealed.

JMM: For me, it was the exposure to Playboy and Penthouse magazines in the late 60's, and of course, the blossoming into womanhood (some much faster than others) by some of my female classmates in junior high school that set me on this path. I think I am fortunate to have this lifelong interest in all things relating to bosoms. What was your initial inspiration, and b) how did you come to turn this 'hobby' into an occupation?

EJ: Before I get into inspiration, I want to say that whoever wrote the phrase "Women are the weaker sex" was an idiot. As a young girl matures, and is physically attractive, she learns about the power she can wield over men. And no one knows better how to wield power over a man than a woman who lists her occupation as "model/stripper." No one! All the magazines, all the clubs, all the videos and now, the adult part of the Internet would not exist without the male sex drive and the compulsion to look at naked women, be they live, taped, on paper or as pixels on a monitor.

I had been writing (and sometimes taking pictures) for all types of magazines, local weeklies and publishing companies. As a big-bust guy, I used to buy Gent and Hustler's Busty Beauties, and I bought the first copy of SCORE, which was a bimonthly during its initial phase. There was a column about breasts. I can't think of the title but I remember the author's pen name, "Orion Jeweb." This embryonic SCORE column was about breasts, and written in a rather scholarly, historical, mythological style, somewhat like the articles in that '50s digest-style magazine Sexology. It was well done, but I said to myself that it would be extremely difficult to maintain a column, issue after issue, so fanatically devoted to the female mammary gland.

JMM: Maybe difficult to write issue after issue... but quite pleasurable to read about. I do know the feeling about deadlines myself, and I sympathize.

EJ: So I sent John Fox, at that time SCORE's Editor-in-Chief (and now Publisher), a pitch letter and a sample prototype column. It was not my intent to replace "Orion," whoever he or she was. My pitch was to write a regular column, not merely about big breasts (as "Orion" had done) but about the women who carried these big breasts (notably the models in the magazine) as well as breast-centered news bits, videos, products, comic books, artists who drew busty women, and so on. You might call it a veritable smorgasbord of tits. Mr. Fox liked the idea, responded quickly and gave me the green light. So it's been seven years with my head between large hooters.

JMM: Elliot, you had to come up for air at sometime. For example you needed a clear head and a field of unimpeded lines of sight to make up a title for the column.

EJ: It was John Fox who thought up the title "Boob Beat", although I pondered "SCORE Board" also.

JMM: Tell us about the column in general.

EJ: Judging by the reader action a profiled model gets when that issue of SCORE leaves the printers, the column seems to maintain a certain level of popularity. I try to write it in an objective, non-judgmental way, as if I was writing a newspaper article. My personal code has always been to never write something I wouldn't say to that person's face. Because who the hell am I? I dislike gossip, which is always malicious in purpose anyway and only causes ill will and hurt feelings. What this guy Luke Ford on the Internet does to the porn girls is absolutely disgusting. Too many adult magazine guys spew out venom, hiding behind their keyboards. I also respect the readers. I don't treat the readership as if they were drooling jerk-offs, reading SCORE on the toilet of the public men's room in a bus station. Our veteran SCORE Group magazine readers are not dumb and dumber. I get email from them and know many personally, and they're sharp, intelligent guys who share the worship of big tits. They know what's going on in the big bust scene, sometimes faster than I do. When I look at the latest issues of the big bust mags and see the quote, "Yes, yes, come all over my tits" printed over a girl's picture I bust out laughing. Because we all know it's not her saying that. It's a guy at his desk, eating a salami and white bread sandwich, banging out bullshit to make a deadline.

JMM: My Editor is named gonZo. And -- though somehow I can't picture him scarfing salami -- he is constantly needling us with deadlines. Goes with the territory. Speaking of which: has Elliot James's "Boob Beat" column inspired any other writers?

EJ: Some things never change. Over the years I've noticed some imitations of what I do. We all read each other's magazines to see what the other guy's doing. In one of my end-of-year letters to Mr. Fox in 1994, I pointed out that D Cup magazine had started a column that virtually copied Boob Beat, calling itself "Big Boob Beat" and even had a clone of our cartoon big titted female reporter on the masthead. But the column itself was the usual blah lifting of items from SCREW, Playboy and other adult 'zines. Big Boob Beat happily disappeared from D Cup when a new editorial crew took over. Actually I miss that cartoon mascot we used for Boob Beat, which was drawn by SCORE great Otis Sweat. The new one isn't as much fun for me.

JMM: Can you tell us which model it was the fired your imagination and that you can still remember to this day?

EJ: By the seventies, the glamor and the money of striptease had faded away (except in Vegas, but I'll get to that later). I was raised in upstate New York and as a teenager armed with fake ID, I would take the bus into Manhattan. I'd spend the day at two of these dying striptease establishments, the Melody Burleske Theater on 49th Street and the Harmony Theater on Broadway above a Howard Johnson's restaurant. I didn't go to porn movies because I thought the women were cheesy looking. I went to these two strip theaters. Admission was five bucks and you could spend all day there. They had the old-fashioned, theater seating that wrapped around a long runway. In fact the Harmony still had a live combo that played that great, sleazy, wah-wah stripper's jazz, which I love.

JMM: Going to the Burley-Q for the music is like reading Playboy for the articles... .

EJ: Anyway, there were these two strippers that appeared there every month or so. One of them called herself Francine Walker, a pretty straight name for a stripper. The other called herself Helen Bedd, which is a cornball name others have used before and since. I was completely nuts about these two. My heartbeat would speed up like a racehorse when I found out if one of them was booked for the week. Both were very attractive with, for the time, pretty big tits. Great bodies. Took your breath away. So they were my first real inspirations that led to my breast compulsion.

I would sit there and watch my favorites Francine and Helen strip, and feel the blood literally pounding through my adolescent arteries. And when you're a teen, you get an iron-like hard-on if a girl even looks at you. They were probably in their late twenties. I also had my first practical lesson in gynecology from them. By this time, in the '70s, the strippers would spend the last part of their routine lying on stage and showing their pussies to the audience. The audiences were mainly either overweight businessmen on their lunch breaks, or guys collecting social security but still alive enough to want to spend the afternoon looking at pussy. Back then the strippers would vanish into their dressing rooms until their next show so I never did get a chance to attempt to speak to her, not that I would have gotten anywhere. I was a kid with fake ID and 20 bucks in his wallet.

When they no longer came back to the Melody and the Harmony, I stopped going. To this day I still daydream, re-live those memories of watching Francine Walker take it off in this beat-up little theater, and I wonder whatever happened to her. Those theaters are long gone and I've kicked myself many times for not stealing her 8x10s that they'd post in the club. With all my contacts, I've never been able to find out anything about her or if she did magazine layouts or what. In fact, no one who sells stripper memorabilia has ever heard of her. In those days, strippers had no fan contact, no fan clubs, no nothing. They took off their clothes, got their pay, went home, fucked their husbands and went back to work the next day. Miss Walker must be in her 50s today, if she's alive. Amazing, the power some women have over the male brain, ain't it?

EJ: I have another occupation but I try to avoid situations in which both worlds would collide. I can't say what I do or where I do it but here's a hint. I work in a big room with a lot of noise and flashing lights, and I work in Las Vegas.

JMM: I'll never tell. This column won't be picked up by the wire services.

EJ: I've come close to being spotted by dancers who know me, and it becomes like a comedy routine, like John Ritter running around on the old show Three's Company. I work at night, which allows me to hit my home office in the day and then to hit a club periodically after I leave work at midnight. Only one person at work knows I have this "double life" as "Elliot" and he doesn't spill the beans because he's a Lisa Lipps fan. At this point I look at that job as a boring grind and I'm basically burnt out so I'm sort of a zombie for 8 hours.

On the other hand, I love working for the SCORE Group even via "long distance." The latest assignment John Fox gave me is to do the monthly pictorial text for each photo set on the SCORE and Voluptuous web sites. That often involves contacting the girls for additional info about themselves.

JMM: Can you describe a typical day at the 'office' so we can get a feel for what your 'work' is like?

EJ: I would love to say that I work at my desk in my home office while a busty girl is on her knees, squeezing my dick between her knockers when she's not pouring me a fresh coffee. That's the Hugh Hefner-Bob Guccione fantasy. But in reality, whether we work at home or at the main office, we're just working, like any other job.

In the past, I did a lot of the dancer profiles and other articles by mail and recorded telephone calls. That took forever to set up, especially since so many dancers are on the road and difficult to coordinate with. If they happen to be in town and let me know, I'll try to hook up with them in person. I tend to work very fast and do my homework beforehand, so it really doesn't take a lot of their time. These days the incredible power of the Internet and email has totally changed my patterns.

It's much easier now and I can contact models that in the past were impossible to communicate with. For example, this year alone I did three Q&A's with girls in London: Jessica Turner, Lorna Morgan and "Russian" Kathy (Katarina) who work as SCORE and Voluptuous models. It's great. That Lorna piece surprised even John Fox. If you know magazine production, then you know that typically, men's magazines average about 90 days to get from the office's deadline to distribution in the stores and to the subscribers. So I am constantly working on setting up and doing future pieces even before I have the column that's already finished in the mail to Michael Uwate, our SCORE editor, in Miami. Plus there are times when, out of the blue, I get an assignment that's due "yesterday." But this is the nature of magazine publishing and it gets my adrenaline going.

JMM: Okay, so you fly around the country going to conventions, and visiting clubs to see featured dancers? Sounds like a 'grind'. HaHa! Do you ever get tired of it?

EJ: I'd love to fly around the nation and do all of that but the budget just ain't there. Applying the zen-like philosophy of "let them come to you" works for me because of my residence in Vegas. Most of the major adult expos meet here: VSDA, CES, Adultdex, the Gentlemen's Club Owners Expo, and some smaller cons. Periodically, I shoot out to LA (last year I covered Erotica LA). I don't cover the porn events in LA like the FOXE awards because the readers have never expressed any interest in those shows. (Few hardcore stars appear in SCORE Group mags anyway, that's more the domain of Cheri or Velvet.)

Once every few years I try to get out to New York City. I don't really tire of it in general but I am getting tired of what CES has become. Massive shoulder to shoulder crowds, every visitor carrying a camcorder or camera. It's very difficult for the legitimate mag guys covering CES these past few years, shooters such as Dr. X, Trace Grundstrom, JR Reynolds, and Marc Starr. Last year, I ran into Fantasia, who was on her way out of the building. We went to what I thought was an empty area, where I posed her against a curtain, stepped back to line up the shot, turned around and there fifty guys pointing their cameras at her. Like they had just been beamed down by Scotty.

JMM: No privacy at all. Bummer!

EJ: Well, you learn to cope. I don't really need to shoot a dozen rolls of film, but we all tend to shoot a lot anyway just to cover ourselves. Since I do some work for Leg Sex magazine, I go for the busty shots and the leggy shots as well. As far as tit or pussy flashing, security gets stricter every year at these expos so it's brutal getting more than just "pretty girl" poses on the show-floor. And "pretty girl in a booth" shots bore me. It's funny, but my editor Mike likes to see the girls in some colorful garment while other mag editors will send back stuff like that to the photographers, because they want "heat." But these days, the mag shooters can't get "heat" at these conventions anymore. Except maybe on the last day, when the girls don't worry anymore about being thrown out. (Of course, the security guys spend a lot of their time getting videos and signed pics for themselves!)

JMM: Getting it while they can... what kind of shot do you go for?

EJ: One of my shticks, or perhaps 'quirks' is a better word, for the past few years is the "tongue" shot. Get them to stick their tongues out in a lascivious way. I find the tongue to be a very sexual part of a woman's body.

There are guys who fly or drive around the country covering conventions or clubs for their magazines but I suspect they're running red ink on their end of year statements. Maybe some have their expenses "comped" by the magazine they're working for, but that's rare these days. One of our SCORE guys, James Hamilton, has been going for years to the Ponderosa in Indiana for the annual Nudes-A-Poppin' outdoor contests so there's no need for me to get out there. Jim lives in the Midwest. SCORE's staff photographer Peter Wall does the Caught In The Act department in Florida clubs like the Booby Trap in Pompano Beach, when a SCORE Girl is booked for the week. And both of these gentlemen do a very fine job.

JMM: How long does it take you to do a column? And how do you decide what to write about?

EJ: The writing is easy. It's the prep work that takes time. It could take 3-4 weeks to get the various items for one column together. I've tried to make Boob Beat always a little different every time instead of using the same formula month after month. I don't cull stuff from other men's magazines, a common practice. I try to do original pieces. I've covered everything from a creator of "how to score with girls" seminars (his name is Ross Jeffries) to a beer called Wanker that has pictures of pretty girls on the label. Usually for a big convention, I'll devote the entire column to its coverage. The Feb 2000 SCORE will have coverage of the 1999 Gent's Club Owners Expo. Lots of SCORE Girls showed for that, and it was also the public debut of Chelsea Charms.

Deciding what to cover can be difficult. I want to avoid what other mag guys are covering, although in the case of a convention, we're all there. Killing them and hiding their bodies in a stairwell would be cumbersome and time consuming. Besides, in Vegas, the cameras are everywhere. Generally, the models are pretty good about agreeing to short interviews, and email has been very helpful. It also prevents any misinterpretation of what a model says, which could lead to a hassle later on. There have been many times when a model will say, while the tape recorder is rolling, "off the record..." Well, if it's off the record, then let's skip it completely. There have been times when a model flaked on me, after initially agreeing to do what Michael calls a "tit chat." Since we're constantly on deadlines, that can be a pain in the ass. So I try to cover myself with other material in the event this happens. Last May, I requested a brief Q&A with a SCORE model (who I won't name out of diplomacy). Fine, she replies, send your questions. Five months later, still nothing after follow-up phone calls and numerous emails repeating the questions, even shortening the number of questions. So why say yes?

JMM: Playful, forgetful... or just plain spiteful... ?

EJ: Why not just say, " I'm too busy". Ultimately, it's for her benefit, not mine, anyway. I've said over and over again that without constant publicity, the public will forget, whether it's a big boobed stripper or a movie actor. So it was a disappointment, because as just a model in a magazine, her looks have always appealed to me. After 5 months, I emailed her and said I'm giving up, see ya. Why would I want to steer our readers to her? I can't speak for Michael, but I know it can be a problem for him when he's got a major pictorial to run and he has to scramble to find that model so he can write some meaningful text. But happily, this type of scenario is mercifully rare.

I really enjoyed the latest interview Mike [Michael Uwate of SCORE] did with Autumn (also known as Jade) in our December 99. She seems like a fun, talkative girl, which is what this business is supposed to be all about. OK, so we're not from People Magazine, but the exposure only benefits their careers. Again, that's why you read so much gibberish in a lot of boob magazines -- the old "yes, yes, come on my tits" routine. Because their editors don't have the motivation to pursue a real dialogue and they also feel the mag buyers don't give a shit anyway about what a model likes to do as a hobby. I think that somewhere there's a manual of stock phrases that these editors grab when they begin to lay out their photos.

"Let me wrap your manhood in my heavy tit-flesh," or "I love to suck hot cock and eat cum," or "Fuck my wet pussy and make me scream for your meat," and certainly we can mention everybody's favorite, "My huge tits need a dick between them."

JMM: Ummm, sorry. I drifted for a moment. I think you must spend a lot of time on the phone, contacting models and agents. You need to make contact with feature dancers to keep track of their schedules. Do you meet models in other ways?

EJ: I've never had much contact with agents in terms of setting anything up. The agents I'm friendliest with are Tony and Eleanor from Universal Entertainment, who have repped nearly every major big bust star you can think of, at one point or another. She got a Lifetime Achievement Award from Exotic Dancer Publications last year in Vegas. To do a profile, I can just contact the model in a number of ways directly. I did meet Barocca through a minor agent and that led to her debut in SCORE. With a lot of smaller agents or guys who want to be agents, they talk your ear off, say they will send Polaroids of their "discovery," and then you never hear from them again. Maybe they go back to their old jobs at Burger King.

JMM: Chatting up feature dancers in clubs sounds like fun. Which clubs do you think are the best for guys like us to watch a feature dancer perform in?

EJ: Flashdancers and New York Dolls in Manhattan have, for over a decade, been the primo place to see all the major big bust features. A SCORE reader just emailed me that he saw, and loved, BB Gunns' show at Flashdancers. The management doesn't seem to care for magazine people hanging around there but that's beside the point. In '93, I saw Joey Karson at NY Dolls, her comeback after a heart problem, which ultimately took her life two years ago. Very sweet girl. From what I've been reading and hearing, Mayor Rudolph has been doing a good job of wrecking the strip industry in New York City. There's Frank's Chicken House in Manville, New Jersey. The Booby Trap in Pompano Beach, Florida books SCORE models. Niki Knockers told me some years back that she likes Club Juana in Casselberry, Florida. In San Francisco, for those who like the really wild stage shows that would get raided in any other city in America, there's the infamous Market Street Cinema. San Francisco has always been an open town, sexually. In Chicago, there's the Admiral Theater, which I would love to visit one day. If you read Alyssa Alps' On The Road column in SCORE, she's a great source of clubs to visit. And there's the Exotic Dancer Directory, which comes out once a year and is a kind of strip club yellow pages. As for Vegas, there are only two small clubs that book the features you'd find in SCORE. Wild J's and the Can Can Room. Most of the other clubs are lapdance joints. The reason is that the club owners don't care about features, the clubs are not physically designed for features, and they make a pile with the groin dancing. But you can find features at Olympic Garden house dancing there, especially during convention weeks. Lacey Legends and Europe Di Chan are there regularly when they're not touring.

During Comdex (which is going on right now as I speak) and CES, Lisa Lipps and April Hunter have worked there. I'll mention Wild J's even though they stopped letting me take pictures there. I'd done a couple plugs for Wild J's in SCORE in the past. Then the owner gave the lock to a photographer I know, Marjo Reynolds, who shot the girls on stage for Oui. So even though I worked for another mag and thought he'd want the additional press, it was no go. Actually I still go as a customer, but, as the press nazi says, "No publicity for you!" A few years ago, I sat at stage-side as a customer while Marjo shot the weekend feature, Sofia Staks. The pictures wound up in a new boob magazine called Honeycups, which dropped dead after only a year of existence (may it rest in tiny pieces). And there I am in practically half the pictorial with this retarded look on my face. For some reason, they didn't blur out the faces of the audience as they should have for legal reasons. I should have worn my SCORE T-shirt. That would have been great. But I wouldn't have done that to Marjo. Anyway, I still recommend the club if you're in Vegas and want to see the stage shows of dancers such as Sana Fay, Lovette, Ruby, Cannibal, Summer & Skye, Leanna Fox, Busty Brittany O'Neil, et al. I just ain't happy with the minor politics. I think Crystal Storm is at the Can Can Room this weekend so I may drop over.

JMM: As a veteran of the Boob Cruise, tell us what that's like?

EJ: The Boob Cruise was one of the best weeks of my life. I had a blast even though it was essentially a "work week" for the SCORE staff from the States and the UK. I didn't know what sleep was. I went on the third Cruise in '97 and my assignment was to write the ship's log, a daunting project since they wanted 26,000 words. That's like writing a paperback. It was just amazing to see all of these SCORE models all over the ship and the beaches with their tits hanging out everywhere, day and night. My version of heaven, like the Vikings have Valhalla. I was sorry it ended. I wanted the week to rewind when we all went our separate ways at Miami International Airport. Tons of activities, scuba if you were into scuba, great, great food (which really surprised me, to tell ya the truth).

I don't want to sound like a guy walking around with an advertising billboard over his neck but the Boob Cruise is just the ultimate vacation for the hooter guy. It doesn't matter since Cruise 5 in April 2000 is booked solid anyway. My only less-than-fond memory was my cabin. Of course I didn't get Sana Fay or Fantasia for a cabin-mate, no such luck. Instead, I got one of our photographers, Tony LaSala, a wonderful shooter, by the way, an artist. (He no longer shoots for us. I have no idea what he's up to these days.) Now, Tony is a big man, so he immediately claimed the bottom bunk in the name of the King of Italy. I had the top bunk, which meant I smashed my head against the ceiling when I woke up every morning. Tony also smoked the worst fucking stinkeroo cigars in this tiny cabin, although he claimed they were primos. That was brutal, just brutal. However, this type of cabin was for the magazine staff, not the general passengers. I would have given Fantasia, whom I love, the bottom bunk, had I had the opportunity.

JMM: You'd probably like to 'bunk' with her without or without being on a boat.

EJ: To keep the models on schedule, which was hectic at times, Europe Di Chan again acted as "model coordinator" or "capo di tutti titti" as I dubbed her in the finished log. And she had a tough job. The perfect woman for the job because she's a strong, no-bullshit type. You get a job, you do it. And when she hollers, you can hear her ten miles away. Which is why she began to lose her voice after 3 days. The islands we went to were absolutely gorgeous. We were blessed with perfect weather. At night, at sea, it was total darkness. You never saw stars so clear and bright, especially if you live in any populated areas. It was like being wrapped in a black velvet blanket.

JMM: Looking at the stars? With someone like Minka trotting about topless?

EJ: This was Minka's first Boob Cruise, and she was a bit nervous about being away from her home but she warmed up. The first few days she tended to gravitate to me since she knew me well and trusted me. So I had to encourage her to loosen up socially. It worked out fine. Because one of the main objectives of the cruise is for the girls to be SCORE ambassadors of a sort, the dream figures all these passengers wanted to party with. I myself made it a point to meet as many passengers as possible, so it was funny when John Fox would introduce me to someone, and the guy would say, "Oh, I know Elliot." By the end of the week, I was physically exhausted yet oddly invigorated. I still watch the "home movies" I made of that cruise.

JMM: I'd love to see those myself!

EJ: I was invited back for Boob Cruise 4 the next year but one night driving home on Thanksgiving, out of nowhere, this fucking idiot burned past a stop sign going 60 miles an hour and broad-sided me on the driver's side, sending me crashing off the road. I managed to crawl out a window since the doors were crushed. It was a total. Later, my doctor advised me not to attend the cruise since my back was fucked up for months and he was concerned about me being unable to physically handle myself, stuck on a yacht in the Caribbean. So I missed another fantastic cruise with a boatload of hot babes, some I'd never met before. Well, I'm grateful I was able to attend at least one. It's expensive but it was the adventure of a lifetime, as I wrote in the completed log for that special Boob Cruise issue. And it has inspired a lot of imitators, not just cruises, but land vacation packages also with porno girls. But they don't come close to the Boob Cruises. They're just pale imitations.

JMM: Which of today's big bust stars are your favorite performers, Elliot? And is there a particular model working today that you fantasize about?

EJ: I'm not just being diplomatic when I say that I have no particular favorites and yet they are all my favorites. Here we are talking about the "regulars," the ones who appear in the magazine on a steady basis, the superstars. Sure, we have our share of one-shot-models who appear in one issue never to be seen again for a number of reasons: vanished, lack of reader appeal, doesn't want to pose anymore, whatever. But I suppose I can say that whoever I am in current contact with is my current "favorite." Before I move on to the next one. Does that qualify me as a shallow bastard?

JMM: I'll pass on that one...

EJ: Now the difference between most men's magazines and a big bust magazine is regularity. In most men's mags, say Gallery, for example, a model's pictorial is featured once, and that's it, unless she wins their model of the year contest. You rarely see them year after year. But in the boob magazines, an Angel Eyes, a Heather Hooters, a Linsey, a Melody Foxxe - whoever - will be showcased many times throughout the course of their careers. One of the reasons for this is that the readers of big boob magazines develop an attachment. They want to see their favs again and again. And they get "involved." They can see them on stage, if they strip for a living. They can join the fan clubs.

In our case, SCORE has always been reader-oriented and we listen to what our readers and web site members want. We do surveys. And we take their comments and suggestions seriously. The annual SCORE and Voluptuous Newcomer of the year contests and the various other contests are in the hands of the voting readership, not us. And the models (and their managers, if they have one) need to understand that. Now models of any kind tend to be hypersensitive, with easily bruised egos and often quick tempers. They "hurt" easily. If they happen to be strippers, then they also function in a highly competitive, difficult industry that can eat a girl alive very quickly if she lets the disappointments get to her. So they find it difficult to accept the concept that they didn't lose just because they didn't win. Personally, I dislike rating, listing and comparing models. Because I know it bugs them to not be included. But just as in mainstream entertainment and professional sports, it's gonna happen. The world is a competitive place. That's basic human nature.

A particular model I fantasize about? How fast is the speed of thought? In the blink of an eye, I can fantasize about all of them.

JMM: Who around has the biggest breasts at the moment?

EJ: In the public eye, currently? The naturals or the girls who've had body modification? The former, I can think of Jenny, Sammie, Alexis Love, a Voluptuous babe named Amy Clifford. Biggest doesn't mean the most beautiful looking tits. Some less busty naturals than the models I've just named who have really gorgeously shaped tits would be Linsey, Diane Poppos, Jessica Turner, Dawn Stone, Lorna Morgan, a chick named Barbie, Via Paxton, and Carrie Lynn. Chloe's tits are exquisite. I also think a lot -- I mean, a lot -- of Autumn's hangers and the tits of another Voluptuous model called Bionca Del Mar. Wonderful jugs.

As for the current, augmented ladies, with Traci and Dusty now reduced, it's looking very tight among Kayla, Casey James, Crystal, Lolo Ferrari, and Minka. I should also include Colt 45 also, as she is massive. And then there's the new one, Chelsea Charms, who's got everyone worked up. I think we need to bring in the bra-fitters on this one if we're going to get down to exact specifications. But that wouldn't be easy to arrange. There's also a porn performer named Teddi Barrett who's recently increased her bosom to immense proportions. And let's not forget BJ Biggs, Utah and BB Gunns. They're huge. Echo Valley told me she's bigger now but I haven't seen her new look yet.

JMM: What can you tell us about Chelsea Charms -- the new sensation?

EJ: I met Chelsea Charms at the last GCOE in Vegas at Caesar's Palace. My eyeballs nearly popped out. She literally appeared out of nowhere in the industry. As soon as I could, I got John Fox on the wire. According to the bio sheet I have, she's billing herself as 98JJJ-20-34, standing 5'2". It doesn't say how much she weighs. She's had that new "twine" technique that Dr. Johnson in Texas patented so she's not carrying around those neck aching heavy implants that were created in the early 90's. Kayla and her photographer met Chelsea at the show, and they clicked. Kayla has taken CC under her "breast" so to speak, helping her develop as a feature, which is a difficult profession. Kayla's company Kleevco in Texas has shot Chelsea for us. She'll be debuting in the March 2000 SCORE and I think most definitely she's got the cover.

JMM: With Chelsea on the cover, the magazine will virtually sell out in minutes. What is she like up close?

EJ: As a person, she was pretty quiet. Didn't have the boom-boom showmanship personality of the others but she needs time. She'll get it. I had the impression that she was in awe of actually being in the same Fan Fair booth with these veteran superstars Colt, Kayla and Casey, regardless of how big her tits are. Because of their savvy in working the club circuit is the very highest and Chelsea will have a lot to learn if she wants to emulate them and have a long career in the clubs and boobie books.