t's Halloween! Boo! At least this won't be an article about pumpkins! You may not know this (but I guess you are going to find out because I am about to write it), but we here at BEhavior do not coordinate our stories. Heck no! It's every man and woman for themselves! This time around, though, our illustrious non-coordinator gonZo asked for a Halloween theme for this issue. I replied that we didn't have a real player jukebox option, so I didn't know about music, but I could wear a William Shatner mask and chase him with a knife if he liked. This of course led to a discussion of Jamie Lee Curtis. Since this is not an article about pumpkins, I can't tell you how that developed. (Probably, I guess, at about 13). Anyway, gonZo said no, not that kind of theme. He also said a lot more, but I was humming the Halloween Theme and couldn't hear him.

So what is this an article about? Halloween! Come sit around and listen while I elucidate, on what goes on when it gets late. Along about midnight, the ghosts and banshees all get together for their nightly jamboree. There's werewolves, and vampires, and beasts with fangs. There's also a plagiarism issue about stealing too much from the Disney Classic "Headless Horseman" Album. The flip side was the legend of "Rip Van Winkle"... HEY! We were talking Halloween! (Yes, I do have a mouse in my pocket when I type, hence "we". Then again, it makes for weird word processing when your mouse is in your pocket.)

Halloween. All Hallow's Eve. Halloween comes to us from the ancient Romans. In the days of early Christianity, the Roman Festival of All Hollow Eve was adapted to entice people to join the faith. We know that the result of becoming Christian led to the fall of the Roman Empire, and hence to the end of the world's greatest bureaucracy until the rise of the IRS. The fall of Rome, of course, led into the Dark Ages. We don't know what went on in the Dark Ages, because with no bureaucracy in place, no paperwork was done to record what happened. However, as the name implies, the Dark Ages were most likely keynoted by non-payment of electrical bills, which explains why they were so dark.

The subject was Halloween! Ok, that comes to us from the Romans. The Romans were a nomadic people. Hence the name Roman. They were always roaming around. It was during the Crystal period of Dynasty in the 4th century (It was either AD or BC, or ABC... however, it was a long time ago, so it really doesn't matter) that All Hollow Eve became a regular celebration for the Romans. Of course, when you say party, you think Roman. Who invented the toga? The Greeks, of course, but it was the Romans who knew that toga was pronounced TOGA, and hence was cause for a party. The Romans were so into their toga parties that at one point they actually made pants against the law. The Scots also saw the wisdom in this, and so they invented Scotch Whiskey.

Lets go back to the 4th century. It was a major blowout! Nero was the main man on the lead fiddle. Caesar was making his famous salads. Man, it was the toga party to end all toga parties. Anybody and everybody that was important was there. Even Senator Jesse Helms was there (but he was too young to drink) (and I won't mention Senator Kennedy in this context, either). Being nomadic and all, the Romans were going door to door with their party. It was no surprise when they showed up at the Visigoth spread on the north side of the empire. Old man Edgar Visigoth knew a hot party when he saw one. Nero was also key to it being a hot party, wow, could he play! So, Edgar and the wife headed off to the party. It wasn't much later that Eve, Edgar's daughter, tried to join in as the festivities moved down the street to the next house. By then, Edgar and the wife were dancing the night away over at the Vandals. Eve donned her own toga and joined the party. It was Marc Anthony, the bouncer, who stopped her. Marc, after years of service in the Roman Army, had become a stickler for regulations, and he was checking ID's. There was a 18-year-old minimum age to get in the party. Spotting young Eve, he wasn't about to sit around doing nothing and get bit on his asp for failing to follow regulations. Marc told Eve she wasn't old enough for the party, but Eve was one smart cookie (No, her name was Eve, not Cookie), and pointed out that since cars had not been invented, she could not be expected to show a driver's license.

Marc responded with a "Duh, hello! Your ID is in the toga. No boobies, no party! You are obviously too young for the main deal happening here. You are outta here!" Then with a classic baseball move, he ejected her from the party.

Very dejected, Eve went back home. Luckily for her, her fairy Godfather Mitch (OK, fine for all you PC types, Her Gay Not-Legally-Binding Relative Who's Just A Close Friend Of The Family) was on the scene. When Eve burst tearfully into the house, he rapidly came up with a solution. He went to the pumpkin patch (OK, so I lied... pumpkins are in this story after all) and obtaining two of the largest specimens possible, placed them in her toga. Then as they would be saying in 1849, he cried out, "Eureka!" (Meaning "I found it"... not to be confused with Topeka, which is in Kansas, and we're definitely not in Kansas anymore.) Young Eve was now very obviously "over 18" with her KK cup chest. She was also lying on the floor, unable to move from the weight of the pumpkins.

Now, Mitch had a problem. He was a stone age barbarian, and needed bronze age tools, at least, to get the pumpkins opened up and emptied while still in one piece. He looked around the Visigoth house, but only found Roman stuff, none of which resembled a knife. Poor Eve was desperate by now; she could hear the party cranking along while she was still pinned to the floor by the two pumpkins in her toga. Mitch wasn't the sort of Gay Not-Legally-Binding Relative Who's Just A Close Friend Of The Family who would let her down, so he picked her up and went in search of a knife to get those pumpkins emptied. Carrying poor Eve, he went from door-to-door asking all for help to hollow Eve. Eventually he was successful, but it came at a price. There was this Greek fellow that had a steel knife. He smiled at Mitch and told him he could stick it in, but he'd have to turn a trick, or no treat. Mitch sighed, but wanted the money, so it was trick. With the advantage of a knife, Mitch carved out the pumpkins for Eve. She was now light enough to walk, but all this had taken a great deal of time. It had grown very dark, and the toga party had moved on. They didn't have any torches, and candles would be blown out in the light breeze. It was the Greek's roommate, Jacko, who suggested that they could carve holes in the pumpkins and use them as lanterns. This they did, and Eve was able to find and rejoin the toga party. Of course, Marc Anthony stopped her again, but upon seeing her large chest, he knew she was of age. He also noted that the light emanating from the front of her pumpkin-filled toga meant she truly had a great set of headlights, and hence the term headlights in reference to breasts was invented. (This term was later applied to other lights, such as on trains and automobiles).

Eve had a great time at the party. Unfortunately, Caesar was having TOO good a time, and when he "accidentally" took off Eve's toga, the gig was up. However, Eve's ingenuity and deep-down need to party was never forgotten. (Besides she came back next year when she was 18 anyway). Not only was this amazing girl remembered, but emulation of her acts became a cherished tradition. For hundreds of years, young girls on All Hollow Eve would don togas filled with lit Jacko Lanterns and go door to door with a male friend saying, "Trick or treat."

In the early 1200's, due to pressure from the King of England, the name was changed from All Hollow Eve to All Hallow's Eve. This change was allegedly due to the king's lisp.

Over the years the tradition has been modified. Pumpkins were no longer lit after a tragic accident with Joan of Arc. This was all hushed up, and a cover story about burning her at the stake was put in place.

Then, in the 1600's, the most significant modification of the tradition took place. It was the Puritans in North America who implemented these changes. First they felt this whole Hallow's Eve and party thing was just completely out of control. Have you ever seen a picture of a Puritan? I have a complete photo album: they were the most flat-chested people who ever walked the earth (the women, too). Their envy of young girls with enormous chests (albeit phony) was a cause of much angst among the Puritans. It was just too much sex! So they declared that pumpkins from then on would not be worn in the clothing. Outside the clothing, it became possible to light them once again. Next, if they were upset by girls with pumpkins, male escorts saying "Trick or Treat" was just way over the top! No, that would not be allowed, so they suggested that the one dressed up would say it, and not the escort. Then there was this whole toga thing. The Puritans were just not the partying types. Toga parties? No way! In fact, the elders said, "You can dress up in anything except a toga," and thus costumes were born. Even with all these changes in place, the Puritans were not satisfied, and grew determined to wean the colony from the practice. The average people were not happy about this, so in protest, they held the event anyway. They announced their intentions by saying Happy Halloween.

Thus, by the late 1600's, all the traditions of Halloween as we know it were put into place. (Except for the vandalism. We all know that the term vandal comes from those hippy bums in the 1960's that wore sandals and threw rocks.)

Next month I'll tell you the story of the first Thanksgiving.

Happy Halloween. :-P
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