Elephant boobs... you ever think about elephant boobs? No, not some weird shape or size of human breasts; I mean real elephant boobs. I have seen a lot of nature shows. Heck, how else do you get to see naked natives unless it's a nature show? So, here we have the largest land mammal on earth. It makes more milk than any other land mammal (Ok, Mr. Fact Checker, I haven't done lactation production cross-reference checking, but hey, elephants are BIG!) So, where's the boobs? I keep watching these shows to see an "elephant size" rack, and all I get to see is some baby elephant under its mother. Whoa, rip-off, dude! Apparently an elephant-sized rack means one that is invisible to the untrained eye. They are obviously very visible when seen from underneath, as we don't have too many baby elephants that can't find their mother's bosoms, do we?

How about whales? I don't need a fact checker for this one. Whales make more milk than any other mammal on earth. (Always love the statement "on earth". What do we know of mammals on other planets?) Ah, then we're talking whale-sized boobs? Nope; still not recognizable, except to those baby whales.

What is this? What kind of cheap safari goes looking for boobs in all the wrong places? (I said it was a cheap safari) Fine, let's find some boobs. Maybe a little closer to home. Like maybe the wide open spaces of the west. Time to start up the old jeep. Let's head 'em up and move 'em out. Yup, pardner, you know where were headin', and it ain't for buffalo. But, it does begin with a B.

Bovines! Yes, bovines: cattle, dogies, beef on the hoof, COWS! Now, cows have racks that are adequate for the job at hand. In fact a hand job on that rack is still a frequent occurrence around the world today. (Groan here.) Sometimes, they get a tad out of proportion, and their bountiful bosoms drag on the ground or rupture when not milked in time. So we have a winner in cows. (Ok, yes, Mr. Fact Checker, I do know that "cow" means more than just "female bovine", but that's how I am using the word here. Get your own column.)

Well, we can get smaller and still find those milk bags hanging. You got your goats. But, you know, really, who cares about goats? Goats are just there for cultures that haven't figured out their cows.

Hmm, can't be cows from a standpoint of sheer size or production; in that case, it would be elephants and whales. Perhaps our interest in the cow rack comes from the lengthy relationship Western Civilization has had with cows. (Come on, I won't tell on you, if you won't tell on me.) To tell you the truth, I have actually eaten a cow. In fact it was very enjoyable. Sometimes when I eat a cow, it's even more enjoyable to drink cow's milk at the same time. How about you?

Now, I can't say I would feel the same about an elephant. No, really, I can't say that. They are a protected species, and it would be illegal. However, the law set aside, maybe this intimate relationship and experience with cows explains why we see them popping into BE fiction, picture morphs, and certain slang used toward woman of various shapes and sizes.

Or maybe, just maybe, all this just points to me being one lonely cowboy!

:-P
-- Bad Irving