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DERMAL
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SURFACEWETTINGTECHNIQUES |
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I recently found this note in my inbox. The address
was deliberately garbled...it had apparently been sent
through an anonymous remailer based in Amsterdam after
first passing through the server of an offshore bank
in Anguilla. An attachment contained a text document
and some jpgs. I'm passing the entire mess on to you.
It all seems a bit overwrought, but if you need to fill
some space in BEhavior during a slack month, perhaps
you can throw this in.
sc
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Dear
Sir or Madam:
I
am at my wit's end. After years of study, years of scrimping
for the least crumb, years of saving and reusing teabags,
years of watching the busty coeds flock to the professors
of humanities instead of to practitioners of the hard
sciences such as myself, I completed the last details
of a major work of research, my magnum opus, only to
be rejected and insulted by the scientific and scholarly
journals of my field. The Journal of Surface Technologies,
Annals of Fluid Science, Unexplained Phenomena Quarterly,
Water Sports Weekly...all have spurned me. My peers,
few though they are, laughed when they heard my complaints.
Lesser members of my research group made sport of me.
Those in positions of
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authority plotted to hasten my departure. May their
grandmothers' bones be nibbled by gerbils!
I
can go no further; my strength has waned, my desire
is flagging. Sometime soon I will abandon
the life I've known and embark upon a great new adventure.
I don't know yet just what, but I'm packing light. Therefore
I am entrusting my manuscript to you. Perhaps you can
sell it to one of the more scrofulous men's magazines
as fiction, filler between the naked birdies and the
phone sex ads. No doubt it will bring a pretty penny,
my life's work!!
Gratefully,
S_____
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Comparative Analysis
of Dermal Surface Wetting Techniques Under Controlled and
Uncontrolled Conditions
by S_____, BA, MA,
Ph.D., DDS, DVM, RCMP
ABSTRACT
One of the most favored
poses in so-called "adult" or "men's" magazines shows a woman,
clothed or unclothed, in water. This study examines the wetting
mechanisms employed to create those poses. The research subjects
of Part I are wetted with the same wetting facilitator but with
different wetting techniques. Part II looks further afield to
compare and contrast other methods of dermal wetting.
METHODOLOGY
All dermal surfaces
were between 19 and 30 years of age. The research subjects used
as dermal surface carriers were different in each instance.
Some were blonde, some were brunette, and some looked blonde
but were actually something else. Some had natural breasts,
some had had breast augmentation surgery, and about others there
was some debate. Subjects were English, German, or American.
Tests 1, 2, and 3 were performed in controlled photographic
studio environments. Test 4 was performed in an uncontrolled
home wetting area. Test 5 was performed in the uncontrolled
area of a natural outdoor wetting environment. Subjects were
asked to wet their dermal surfaces as thoroughly as possible,
given the wetting facilitator they were provided with and the
environment in which each test was performed. In all but one
instance the wetting agent was ordinary chlorinated tap water.
The efficacy and efficiency of dermal wetting in each instance
was tested by this researcher via the tried-and-true "touch
and taste" system.
ANALYSIS
Part I: Dermal
Surface Wetting Techniques Using a Wooden Dipper
In Tests 1 and 2 the wetting facilitator employed was an antique
wooden dipper approximately 18 inches (45.72 centimeters) in
length. Subjects were given a large bucket filled with room-temperature
water to use as a wetting agent.
The subject in
Test 1 was more or less fully clothed, although her shorts
were unfastened in the interest of research to reveal her
lower abdomen (see Figure 1 below). In this test, the subject
manipulated the dipper with both hands. This provided her
with great control and precise aim. The subject was able to
direct a single stream of water between her breasts and into
her checkered top without spilling a drop. Her loosely-tied
top acted as a diffusing agent, spreading water evenly across
her abdomen and thoroughly wetting her dermis.
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F I G U R E
1
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The subject in
Test 2 was naked except for a small bra which clearly could
not contain her breasts (see Figure 2 below). This subject
had only one hand free for the dipper, as she used her other
hand to spread her external genitalia. She concentrated on
wetting said genitalia, bypassing her abdomen and breasts.
This one-handed approach decreased her dipper control, creating
a less-well-defined stream and resulting in more splattering
and less-effective wetting. But the expression on Subject
2's face seems to indicate that the stream was doing what
she wanted. Perhaps that's why she's sitting instead of standing.
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F I G U R E
2
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Part II: Alternative
Dermal Surface Wetting Techniques
In Test 3, the wetting facilitator was a bottle of champagne
(see Figure 3 below). This facilitator has the obvious advantage
of being designed for one-handed lifting and pouring with
no loss of control. (Control may suffer if larger magnums,
gallon jugs, or "wine in a box" wetting facilitators are used.)
A distinct disadvantage in Test 3 was the desire of the subject
to drink the contents of the bottle rather than to use it
for wetting her dermal surfaces. As you can see, however,
significant wetting did occur. Part of this was due to spillage
which occurred when the subject attempted to "chug" the entire
bottle.
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F I G U R E
3
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Test 4 moved out
of the studio into a typical uncontrolled home wetting area
(a bathtub; see Figure 4 below). The subject attempted to
employ a hand-held shower attachment as a wetting facilitator.
This test was not successful, for the subject lost control
and somehow ensnarled her breasts in the wetting device. Perhaps
the large amount of bath bubbles she was sitting in caused
this subject to become disoriented and confused. She does
look frustrated. More research, in a more controlled environment
(such as the shower stall in my home), is called for.
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F I G U R E
4
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Test 5 was performed
outdoors in the uncontrolled environment of a clear, flowing
stream. The subject wore only a thin bottom to protect her
exquisite tush from the rocks of the streambed (see Figure
5 below). The subject employed a wetting facilitator she was
intimately familiar with--her hand--to direct carefully spaced
individual drops to specific dermal locations. The smaller
carrying capacity of this wetting facilitator was more than
made up for by its greater maneuverability and versatility.
It simply took longer for this subject to adequately wet her
dermal surfaces, and this researcher did not in the least
mind watching every extra minute of the effort this subject
required to complete her task.
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F I G U R E
5
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CONCLUSION
It doesn't really
matter how you moisten their dermal surfaces, because naked
women always look great when they're wet. I'd like to thank
the university that supported my research until they discovered
what I was doing, the foundation that funded this study unawares,
and the research subjects who underwent my extensive, hands-on
testing. |
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