How does People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals ([censored]) celebrate National Hot Dog Day? They send spokesmodel Melynda DuVal to Capitol Hill in a red, white, and blue bikini, where she (and a couple of similarly-bikinied assistants) serve veggie-weenies to congressmen and warn that meat tenderizes their boners.

[censored] claims that a meat-rich diet promotes arterial blockage, a primary cause of erectile dysfunction. The health-care community doesn't invariably verify the group's vaunt that vegetarianism is a viable variant for Viagra, but there's enough vague validation of [censored]'s vasoconstriction verbiage to satisfy America's vitiated standards of verity in vending.

Meanwhile, the playful gang-bang overtones (?!) of [censored]'s campaign slogans (as seen in the billboard above) overshadow a crucial question: would the ads be more influential if Ms DuVal's bikini top contained more than a couple of quarter-pounders? Click the billboard to view a voluminous vivification of DuVal's voluptuousness.

As previously announced during various service-interrupt explanations, BEArchive will soon be served to the web piping hot from the Owner's spacious, split- level ranch- style home, rather than a godless, apathetic, bottom-feeding, third-party ISP.

At the same time, three doomed and unsuspecting new servers will be added to mishandle email, domain name service, statistics reporting, and daily backup, and to dramatically increase the probability that something will go horribly wrong at any moment.

The Owner has optimistically circulated the following tentative schedule for the shift, which depicts every system administrator's wank-fantasy of a baby-butt-smooth installation. In addition to the usual unanticipated delays, the Owner cautions us that the possibility of insufficient fiber optic bandwidth in his neighborhood could cause an extended bottleneck while inexperienced workmen dig trenches, break water mains, and are maimed by heavy machinery in his yard.