| |
J U D G E
O A F |
|
IT
|
ISTHEOPINIONOFTHECOURT |
|
|
|
 |
|
This Internet
thingie is really amazing, isn’t it? Now, at your very fingertips,
you can have the entirety of human knowledge and experience
for your very own.
Want to buy a really cool Hawaiian shirt? Try www.hotshirts.com.
Are the aliens back at Area 51, or have they moved on to new
digs outside Colorado Springs? Check out www.ufomind.com.
When’s the latest Mystery Science Theater 3000 “cheesefest”
going to air? It’s at www.scifi.com.
Inevitably, though, with the good also comes the bad. If you
are lonely, and feel like you have no friends at all in the
world, simply evince an interest in whatever e-commerce site
currently strikes your fancy, and email ‘em. Before you even
take your hand off the mouse button, you’ll have an answer of
some sort. The requested information, sent to you at the speed
of light. Wow! Gene Roddenberry was some visionary, wasn’t he?
And it is now that your problems with the ‘Net truly begin,
as mine did recently.
The next time that I checked my home email account, there was
a new missive there from somebody I’d never even heard of.
“Make More Money” says the subject line. I am curious.
“Click”, goes the mouse button, and suddenly my screen is filled
with the most surprising drivel about how I should be using
the particular credit card merchant service these guys are offering.
I didn’t want this, and have no use for it at my location, thank
you.
I also notice that there is a little tag line further down,
stuck like a Band-Aid to a backside. It states that if I want
to be removed from their mailing list, to please email them
back with the word “Unsubscribe”, in the subject line.
Fine.
I click on “Reply”, type in “Unsubscribe” on the subject line,
along with a couple of lines basically saying “Thanks, but no
thanks”, and send it back to the budding entrepreneurs. And
that’s that, right? |
| |
|
| |
 |
| |
|
| |
Wrong.
Two hours later, I hear a “beep!” from my system, and here’s
a response from the entrepreneurs stating that they’ve removed
me from their list. But three more emails accompany this response,
each from a new and different source, and each is trying to
sell me something!
“Increase Male Potency the Natural Way!” , trumpets one. (Thanks,
but Miz Judge Oaf is grumpy enough without me waking her for
a midnight, ummm, “encounter”!)
“Gourmet Chocolate Chip Cookies Direct to YOU!”, bellows another.
(Oh yummy! Cookies that have been pawed over by disgruntled
UPS employees, and stuck in a warehouse over a July weekend.
Where’s my Amex card?)
“The Power of Crystals Is Yours to Command!”, purrs the last
one. (The only crystal that commands me is the one on the fourth
finger of Miz Judge Oaf’s left hand, and it cost me a month’s
salary, just like the DeBeers folks said it would.)
There’s the “Unsubscribe” tag at the end of each one. Cursing
them singly and as a group, I send “unsub” emails to each of
them. There, that’s done. Now maybe they’ll leave me alone.
Fat chance. |
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
The
next day, I’ve got not one, not three, but TWENTY FOUR new “friends”,
all trying to sell me something.
“How to Pick Up the Girl of Your Dre-“ For cryin’ out LOUD!
“Unsub” emails all around, along with a suitable dose of vitriol
in the text section of each. Fifteen minutes of my life lost
forever, dealing with these guys. Sheesh!
About thirty minutes later, there’s the dreaded “beep!” again.
Sure enough, there are the “unsub” compliance emails from the
previous twenty four, along with seven new “friends”, dog-gone
it!
Hey, here’s ol’ “Make More Money” back again for a second helping
of my patience.
This is the guy that by God chucked me into this email swamp
where I am currently up to my ass in spammy alligators. Something
special is in order.
I email him and him alone, evincing interest in his product,
and requesting a phone number. It arrives post haste, and I
spend the next five minutes on the phone tearing a strip off
this entrepreneur for being presumptuous enough to sell my email
address An email address, mind you, that I unwittingly validated
as “for-real”, and therefore more valuable, simply by using
the “Unsubscribe” feature!
As you might imagine, our conversation was remarkably one-sided
and sulphurous. |
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
This was two weeks ago, and I am STILL not free of this muck!
Like Hercules, I battle mightily against this many-headed spam
Hydra, and just like the Hydra, it grows two or more heads for
each one I lop off. It’s a losing battle, I’m thinking. I may
have to completely abandon my home email account to these people,
and believe me, I am mightily PO’ed at them all.
The ‘Net may be the High Frontier of e-commerce, but you entrepreneurs
out there are not making friends or more to the point, receptive
prospects by using this form of electronic importunism. To paraphrase
dying Mercutio’s eloquence , “A plague on ALL your houses!”
And God help you if you ever show up seeking justice at my bench!
Court’s adjourned!
Judge Oaf
Senior Judge of the Superior Court of the BEArchive |
|
|
