Our BEloved doctor is back, with BEfitting answers to our BEwildered readers' questions. If you have a question for him, send an e-mail to: editors@bearchive.com

Here is an abstract from my book, 555 Statements a Man should Avoid when he Wants to Conquer a Busty Lady:
(1) "Fuck me. I'll explain later"
(2) "Whew! Lucky I had that sex-change operation!"
(3) "Your tits remind me of my ex-girlfriend's. And I've never had a girlfriend."
(4) "I'd bow in respect, but I'm afraid I would bang my forehead against your knockers".
(5) "Hi, you dirty bitch. I can't stand being rejected."

Okay, Dr. Brameister, but next week I have a date with a busty gal. It's the first time for me; so far, I have only dated my B-cupped schoolmates. Are there any particular rules I should follow to be successful?

Rule No. 1: Busty girls have a naturally showy kind of beauty. You should therefore avoid looking too flashy: put on a sober suit... nothing that might make her say: "Nice! Was your tailor formerly known as Prince?"
Rule No. 2: If you have an airbag on the passenger side of the car, deactivate it.
Rule No. 3: Keep the gal's name in mind. To avoid mistakes, bring a crib sheet with her name on it. If you have any doubt, use it. "You have wonderful nipples, er...(glance at the paper)...Wendy".
Rule No. 4: Even though she assures you that she won't be noisy, or make comments, or misbehave, leave your mom at home.

Try assuming the position prescribed by Dr. Galina Svetlankova, called "the bird cage".

Okay, then what?

Now comes the tricky part: if you're unable to see your partner while having sex in this position, you're a busty cutie.

Thanks, Dr. Brameister, but... now I can't disentangle myself...

Perfect! Now we'll have to call my friend the chiropractor.

To extricate me?

Oh no, to do the tricky part....

Dear Dr. Brameister,
My boyfriend drives me absolutely crazy when he sucks my boobs and licks my nipples while stimulating my vulva... Can a person orgasm too much?
(Paula F., Chicago)

Not unless you set off the alarm of the Volvo parked behind your house.

Dear Dr. Brameister,
Is it true that too much sex can cause cancer?
(Jean-Paul K., France)

Only if your condoms are made of asbestos.

Dear Dr. Brameister,
My wife wants to regain her figure after having our first baby, and she does a lot of gymnastics and body building. I tried her breast milk and it tastes quite strange. Is that due to her physical activity? Is it dangerous for the baby?
(A concerned father)

Not too much. According to the studies of Dr. Rebecca R. Goolagong, who carried out several experiments on herself drinking women's milk, the absorption of steroids into the mother's milk causes alteration in the milk's taste and nutritive properties. This is due to the enlargement of the thoracic circumference of milk proteins. The side-effects are plainly evident:

Oooh! Which kind of training was necessary for you to be able to do that, doctor?

Lots of tongue-flexing exercises.

Dear Dr. Brameister,
I'm an 18-year-old well-endowed busty model. How can I avoid unwanted pregnancies?
(Paula, Great Britain)

Change your phone number twice a week.

Dear Dr. Brameister,
Is masturbation dangerous?
(anonymous onanist)

It depends on what you use to get excited. When I was younger, my schoolmates used to masturbate looking at SCORE, D-Cup, and their fathers' other adults-only mags. I did it too. But my father only subscribed to Forbes.

Dear Dr. Brameister,
I love big boobs, but my wife is just a B-Cup. She also doesn't like the sex toys I use to get a little more excited when we have sex. What can I do?
(a milk-maniac from Toronto)

I have viewed the VHS you sent me. One suggestion for both of you: get rid of the cow.

Dear Dr. Brameister,
Shouldn't a woman's nipples become harder when having sex? 'Cause my gal's, on the contrary, disappear. How come? Where do they end up?
(Paco R., Tijuana)

(Dr. Brameister glances into the pocket of his white coat).
Ah, so it's hers!