I had a birthday coming up (my 42nd) with nothing special planned, and there it was...a flyer for the Miss Nude Ohio 1999 contest. So I threw caution to the wind and plunked down the money for a ticket. If nothing else, I figured I could get an article for BEhavior out of the experience.

This was billed as the first Miss Nude Ohio show, but I've since discovered that Adara Michaels and Busty Brianna have both been Miss Nude Ohio winners in past years. I guess this was just the first Miss Nude Ohio contest these particular promoters (a late-night cable show specializing in horror flicks, cult films, and exotic dancers) put on.

Was it a big production? Well, the contest was held in a gymnasium-sized bingo hall. The sound system and stage lighting were horrible (most of the light came from two huge mercury vapor lamps high in the rafters overhead). Tickets were available only at a chain of adult book stores. Only one location, a dancewear store, had applications for dancers. The show wasn't advertised until about three weeks before the day of the contest. Still, it turned out to be over three hours of strippers getting naked, so who can complain?

The show was to start at 6:00 PM. This seemed suspiciously early, but about 200 guys and a few of their girlfriends showed up at the same time as me. We waited. They opened the doors at 7:00 and we found seats on folding metal chairs behind cafeteria tables. We waited. Dancers milled around and we watched them. The DJ occasionally announced that things would start in 15 minutes. We waited some more. The promoters knew that we weren't going anywhere until we saw some bare-ass women. Finally, two and half hours after the doors opened, the show started.

I'd arrived alone and would have hated to just sit there for so long, but the guy I sat next to was quite a talker. We passed the time making cynical observations about the show, the strippers, the DJ, and ourselves, for being there.

Muscle-bound, bald-headed security guards sat in front of and facing away from the stage, looking impotently important (or importantly impotent). A nude show in Ohio can't serve alcohol, so everyone had soft drinks with their nachos or chili dogs. No drunks rushed the stage, so no one had to be jumped on, mangled, and thrown out. Darn it.

There was an official videographer and a photographer from Video Xcitement magazine, so look for coverage in a porn shop near you! My seatmate had asked about bringing in his video camera and was told not to, but some guys spent the night crouched at the foot of the stage shooting videos in the bad light anyway. The security goons just watched.

The show opened with a performance by Jennifer Worthington, a cute blonde feature with large breasts, huge nipples, and lots of energy. Definitely worth seeing. As Jennifer finished, hostess Rebecca Wild appeared... not to dance, just to get on stage and say, "Welcome to the Miss Nude Ohio 1999 contest," which she did very well, even though the DJ had already said it about five times. Then it was on with the show...

You'd think there'd be dozens of women clamoring to be Miss Nude Ohio 1999. There were, in fact, fourteen. Mostly local dancers from the two lower-end strip clubs that acted as co-sponsors. I didn't see anyone I was familiar with from the big-name clubs. A couple of feature dancers, including Windy Leigh, were slumming for the night. You know how strip club DJs announce what magazines a feature dancer's been in and what awards she's won? Events like this are where she gets those awards.

The judges included Rebecca, Jennifer, and some reps from Cheri magazine. They rated dancers according to body (50 points), face (30), stage personality (10), and dance ability (10). It was obvious that most of the contestants had very little "dance ability." The majority just strutted around, shed their bikini tops and T-bars quickly, and struck poses. OK, they didn't have a pole or other props to play with, but let me tell you, watching one or two women strut is interesting....but fourteen? It all begins to blur together in a haze of dyed blonde hair and shaved pussies. Not that that's a bad thing, but you lose track of which pussy is which.

When the Miss Nude Ohio competition was finished, dancers retreated to the dressing room to prep for the Miss Nude Entertainer of the Year contest. I'm still not sure what they wanted to be Miss Nude Entertainer of... the world? the U.S.? Ohio? Columbus? this bingo hall on this night in June?

Rebecca did a dominatrix show during the intermission. She led a guy around on a leash, whipped another guy...the usual. Then she got out the fire wands. After the standard routine of running a flaming wand around her body parts, she laid a guy on the floor and sat on him. She rubbed an unlit-but-alcohol-soaked wand on his crotch and proceeded to light his pants. Slapping his burning crotch put the fire out. She did this a bunch, then got off the guy so he could see his pants on fire. Now, that's entertainment! But my seatmate wondered how the guy would explain his scorched pants to Mom.

The Miss Nude Entertainer shows were more interesting than the Miss Nude Ohio routines. Dancers were judged for seductivity (20 points), appearance (20), originality (15), dance ability (15), and overall performance (20). It doesn't add up to 100, but it worked.

Standout shows included a race car driver, a Marine in dress uniform, a cat, a samurai warrior, and a cow (Windy, dressed in a black and white outfit like a Holstein dairy cow...and she had the tits for it). There were fire stunts, lotion and whipped cream massages, tit painting, and lots of blanket routines. Great stuff and you didn't have to tip anyone. Each dancer was on-stage for three to five songs, ending up naked.

The strangest routine was a woman who brought out a life-size fiberglass statue of a horse with a leather saddle, two fiberglass cactuses, a bale of straw, a wagon wheel, a guitar, and a lariat as props for her cowboy show. She twirled the lariat, then tossed it aside; she pretended to strum the guitar, then set it aside. We waited, but she never used the cactus, the bale of straw, the horse, or the saddle horn on that saddle. She could have done so much with that...

About midnight they wrapped it up and handed out awards. The audience had thinned and grown tired, but the awards ceremony provided more amusement for those who stayed. The DJ didn't have a clue about announcing winners, giving them their trophy or ribbon, letting them soak up the crowd's applause, and getting out of the photographer's way. Guess he'd never watched a beauty pageant; Rebecca knew how it should work and gave him a hand.

Miss Nude Entertainer of the Year was awarded to Savannah. Maria was named Miss Nude Buckeye (Ohioans are nicknamed "Buckeyes."). They won trophies, cash, and Caribbean cruises.

Alexandria Knight was named Miss Internet, though they never explained what connection this contest had with the Internet.

Ribbons were awarded for Miss Hot Buns, Miss Topless Ohio (Windy Leigh won that), Sexiest Redhead (there was only one), Sexiest Brunette (there was a choice of four), Sexiest Blonde (a tougher decision...there were nine), Best Costume, and Best Dancer.

But you want to know who won the coveted honor of Miss Nude Ohio 1999, don't you? Well, it was Taylor Sims, a feature dancer. Taylor will be making personal appearances at bingo halls, county fairs, and (of course) strip malls throughout Ohio until next year, when she'll pass her golden clit ring to Miss Nude Ohio 2000.

Not bad odds: fourteen dancers, eleven awards. Maybe I should have entered.