Though I have read with great fascination and drooling about my fellow BEhavior columnists' encounters with "the big ones" (Oh, I just have to say that Judge Oaf's hot tub buddy is one story that keeps coming and coming back), I am not in that situation. One might say that "the big ones" are out of reach. Does that stop my interest? Will that prevent me from coming to the BEA? Does Bill Clinton hate young girls? Silly questions with obvious answers. The problem of today (Wonder why Bad has nothing but problems in his column? Because I offer solutions, that's why!), I say again, the problem for today is how to get some R&R.

Before we get too far down a road of reality, I suggest we go to fantasy for R&R. Why? Well, its cheaper than real life hunting, and fantasy certainly gets the significant other less upset than bringing home a really bodaciously endowed babe. That being said, where should our fantasy fly today? I know, you want stories, but sorry, I am not writing any stories; it's time for R&R. Ok, technically you got me: this is a story you are reading, but its not that kind of story. If it turns into too much of a story, I am going to stop writing! So, what is our fantasy destination? Ah, a place near and dear to my heart: the movies.

Now, we aren't talking specifically pornos here. In fact, it could be that pornos won't even make the cut. For the most part, we are talking R rated films, and even one G rated film. Let's cut to the quick: we are talking BE in the movies. When there is BE in a movie, there is a good time for me! What I hate is the way good BE normally winds up in a bad movie, or the BE is just forgotten from the story line. While I feel up from the BE in the movie, the rest of the movie is normally just a letdown. (Hey, I was speaking inflation and deflation of boobs; gawd, get your mind out of the gutter. The boobs are up higher; raise your sights about 4 feet.)

For example, you have Repossessed (PG-13), including a great BE scene of a girl on a weight set. Each time she pumps iron, her chest inflates, until you hear her explode off-camera. She is just in the movie for the "comedy" effect of this one scene, and then she is gone. You also have the example of Flesh Gordon II (R and unrated versions), with a girl who gets BE (obviously a rapidly-inflating set of balloons), then has her chest popped (I said they were balloons) by the doctor. She is also in the movie for just one scene, and then is gone. As was the girl in Jekyll and Hyde, Together Again (R), who has her naked breasts blown up to about the size of Isabel Lanthier's just before the movie ends. (The movie is horrible, but that one 30-second scene is great!)

There are other movies that incude BE that does tie into the story line. In the opening scenes of Cherry Hill High (R), a girl in a lab coat drinks a potion in the lab, and then her breasts go from nothing to about a C cup. Her character stays busty through the rest of the movie. (As an added treat, you can see Bad Irving's relative playing the school secretary in this film. It's in the last 10 minutes of the film, and is not a pretty sight!) Along those same lines, you have H.O.T.S. (R) where a flat-chested girl gets expanded to a very large D (via off-camera surgery) at the very start of the movie. Then there is The Attack of the 50-Foot Centerfolds (R), a movie that comes really close to using BE right. There is a scene in which the central character drinks a potion and then goes up to maybe a MM cup (obviously some kind of balloons), but subsequently her boob growth is lost from the movie, when in this case it was relevant to the storyline.

Then you have a movie that does it right: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (G). While not BE, there is a girl who expands into a blueberry. There is a BE feel to the expansion (though it is certainly not BE, and I don't suggest looking at 10 year old girls: yuck!), but if you have seen that movie, you know what I am talking about. Of all the films listed, it's Willy Wonka that has expansion as a strong part of the storyline, but alas, it's not BE. BE really wouldn't have a place in that movie anyway. The point is that the movie uses the expansion as a part of the storyline, instead of a comedic aside or meaningless addition. The expansion has a great deal more meaning to it when it takes place. The girl is a snotty little brat, and it feels good to see her get her due.

Perhaps the movie with the greatest BE ever (though the manner in which it is handled could have been more fun, from my point of view), is Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask (R). In that movie, a young lady winds up with 15-foot-high, 30-foot-long breasts. Unfortunately, they become detached and chase people across the countryside. A very funny scene, but we all know we wanted to see them grow that big and stay attached to the girl! I must admit that the boobs without the girl just don't excite me.

Other than being a silly rendition of movie titles, what does this column have to do with R&R? Well, how about the fact that many of us spend our time searching out these movies? How about the fact that we drop $20 to buy a movie for a 20-second scene? I have been there and done that all too many times, even though most of these scenes can be found on numerous pages at BEA (note that these are all members-only pages, so if you are a member, don't forget to visit the many areas at BEA that have video from the movies). Why buy the movies? Why not just view these scenes online? My VCR is a lot more convenient than my PC, my TV is a lot bigger than my monitor, and there is the proximity to other items in my house in the VCR-versus-PC argument. Finally, not all BE has made it into the BEA Video Archive vaults. I therefore search out BE movies. Do you? Come on, how many of us have rented videos just on the hunch that there might be some kind of BE in them? The funny part is that we are disappointed 99.9% of the time, yet the .1% makes up for it!

Well, I am off to the video rental store. You got any tittles I missed? We can yell about them in the forum. Then I'll need more R&R.

:-P
Bad Irving