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HEADLIGHTS |
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HEADLIGHTS NEWS
AND UPDATES
GONZO In
a desperate effort to preserve a solitary voice of
reason amid the babble of requests for photos of
your girlfriend with her breasts out, a group of
foolhardy die-hard BEA regulars has seized the
house organ, a virtually defunct weekly e-newspaper
formerly known (with 14.2% accuracy) as BEA Today,
and reanimated the flaccid fish-wrapper to serve
its own perverse agenda. Rising
like a penis from the asses of its predecessor (and
obviously still in need of a proofreader), the
reborn tabloid now known as BEHAVIOR
will resume biweekly circulation immediately,
delivered promptly to your computer screen by tiny
electronic teenagers riding
processor-cycles. Unlike
the original BEA Today, whose managing editor
managed to edit himself out of his manacles by
sawing his arm off with a particularly stiff column
of ragged-right copy, BEHAVIOR
will enjoy a somewhat more stable editorial
presence: a group of people with Nothing Better To
Do. "A
free press is a powerful weapon of truth..." stated
a masked --but otherwise naked-- spokesman for the
shadowy upstart cabalistic enclave, "...and we
intend to utilize this clarion voice to fully
examine the issues of, uh, big tits and stuff."
When asked to elaborate, the undraped spokesman
bristled (visibly!), snarled something about
"goddamn snoopy journalists", and stalked back into
the City Room to write this story.
HAZARD
ABIO Hello,
BEHAVIOR
readers! This
is Hazard ABio reporting for BEHAVIOR;
in the weeks to come, I'll be keeping you abreast
of the latest developments at the Breast Expansion
Archive. In future issues I will do my best to
recount all the neat, wonderful updates and
features that appear at the BEA. At
this point in time I am mostly telling you what I
intend to do here; the Editors at the
BEHAVIOR
offices are still defining my mission. (They gave
me the job of being Updates Man.) They seem like
nice people and all, but they're very secretive and
anonymous; I can't even guess most of their true
identities. I hope their Bounty Hunter doesn't get
a contract for my head! Well,
before I get killed for knowing it, I should tell
you all of this top-secret information. The BEA
Webmaster recently installed a new machine for the
server; you've probably noticed it's wicked fast.
It has a 400Mhz PII Processor, 256Mb of RAM and a
whole boatload of other high-tech stuff that I
can't disclose. He's perfecting a new interface for
the visitors, and hopes to have it ready soon. I
just got my new computer about 3 weeks ago and it
is like the new server, PII 400Mhz Processor, 128MB
of Ram, 10.8 GIG hard disk, 32X max CD-ROM, and an
OpenGL video Card. it is really cool for playing
Quake ][. Speaking
of Quake ][, I have places to go and people
to kill, so...
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Cyberspace,
December 31 1998:
