Stage manager: He probably thought they were going to be actors! Damn it, I thought you said you fixed--
Script girl (to F-Cup Fitzgerald): You ought to be ashamed of yourself, frightening him like that!
Fitzgerald (apologetic): I'm sorry. Say, is your name Dorothy, by any chance?
Jim (clicking heels together, all hundred of them): It's only a dream, it's only a dream, there's no place like home.... Why isn't it working?!? Why am I not waking up in episode 2?
Sharon (quietly): Come on, girls, maybe no one will notice if we sneak ou--
Stage manager: Hold it, you!
Panache (to Sharon): Hey, are you who I think you are? What are you doing Saturday night?
Meiou Bunny: Shit, look at all the little bunnies! If they only had ears....
Melissa: Ooo, look girls, The Bowler Fucker! The Mystery Midget was one the level!
Bowler Fucker: Please, please, I can do autographs for all--no! Not the hat!!!
Denise: Oh yuck, who'd ever had thought that's what he had underneath that thi--
Yolanda: Ew, get it away, get it away!
Miranda: Don’t hand it to me!
Barbara: Hey, I don’t want it! Here, you take it!
Spacemoose: Why thank you, miss, I’ve always wanted one of those. I wonder if it’ll fit over my antlers?
Bowler Fucker: Girls, girls, please, I’ve got to get my hat back--
Nancy: Not till I get your autograph. You promised!
Celine: Me too, me too!
F-Cup Fitzgerald: So many girls—I wonder if any of them would be interested in a date?
Enid: I don’t like dates. Wouldn’t mind a fig newton, though.
Priscilla: Got any pears?
Rose: How about a whiskey sour?
Felicia: Excuse me, mister, but are you who I think you are? What are you doing Saturday night?
L.E. (loftily): I, little girl, am not even here, and don't you forget it!
Yzal: You know, I could really get into this, if I weren't so lazy.
Jazz: Don't fret, bro, I'll get into it for you...
Spacemoose: Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a bunny out of my hat!
RaoulDyke: Idiot! I’m not Rocky, that’s not your hat, and that’s not a bunny, that’s a munchkin or something.
April: Excuse me? I’m not a munchkin, I’m a midget! And how’d I get stuck in this gross little bowler, anyway?
Dr. Hook: Is there a doctor in the house? I think Jim's having a stroke.
Iron Nick: You're a doctor, idiot!
Dr. Hook: Oh. Yeah. Right, I knew that... stick out your tongue and say 'Ah,' Jimmy-boy...
Jim: AAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Dr. Hook: Splendid, splendid, nothing wrong with your tonsils, I see...
Stage manager: WILL EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP AND FREEZE?!?
The stage manager turns angrily toward the Writer.
Writer: Hey, don't blame me.
Stage manager: I blame you. Damn it, I knew this wasn't going to work! 'Bring 'em in the normal way,' I said. 'That way they'll think they're actors, and, more importantly, be seen as actors,' I said. But would you listen?
Writer (protesting): They wouldn't come that way. No Author likes to be Characterized, that's what keeps them out of the Original Backstage to begin with! Hell, SM, why do you think they called me in to begin with? I'm the insurance, a relatively stable Author-of-Record to trump anything evil they might do, to 'port 'em in for their walk on, 'port 'em out when it's done--
Stage manager: Do you call this insurance?!?!?
Writer: Excuse me? My boys didn't blow their cool, yours did!
Stage manager: I don't care! Fix it, damn it!
Writer (sulky): How you ever got tapped for this job I'll never--
Stage manager: Shut the fuck up and do it!
Writer: All right then.
The writer flips a card at the crowd. Everyone goes glassy-eyed except D<-.
Writer: Excuse me? This is the Author's Trump I'm flipping at you, would you be so kind as to go all la-la with the others?
Deuce: I know it's an Author's Trump, I've got some myself, a whole pack of them. You're not going to get me that way, Dabbler, it's practically my gimmick.
Writer: Well, pretend, then, I've got a stage manager wigging out over here.
Deuce: You got it, ace.
Writer: The name's Dabbler.
Deuce: I thought you told me it was David.
Writer: That was another thread, and besides, who's writing this, anyway?
Deuce: Right. Shutting up.
Writer: Thank you. Okay, all you Characters, listen up, these aren't real Authors, they're actors in makeup, just like you are, okay? Nothing to get excited about. And Authors, just as a reinforcement, you're still all on your best behavior, do you hear me? No, make that even better behavior, no asking Characters out on dates. You do your scene, collect your orgone bonus, and get the hell back to the Concourse, got it?
Deuce: Gotcha, ace.
Writer: Dabbler.
Deuce: Whatever.
Writer (to Stage manager): Satisfied?
Stage manager (sighing): Well, as time shall try.
Writer: Right, then. Everyone who's asleep, wake up and pay attention. And anyone who's just pretending, pretend to wake up and pay attention.
Everybody wakes up and pays attention, or pretends to wake up and pay attention.
Writer: How's Jim, Hook?
Jim (dazed): I'm not dead. I don't want to go on the cart....
Dr. Hook: He'll do.
Stage manager: Places, everyone! Jim, center stage, Sharon, midgets, role-players, to the wings! And, roll 'em!
Go back - Go to the parent episode.
Tue Apr 22 22:49:07 2003
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