"Holy Don Knotts!" one of the assembled Authors gasped, "HOW did you do that?!"
DonkeyShit just grinned and pointed at his noggin (ie. his head, and I mean the one on his shoulders). "Non-linear thinking," he replied. "You see, this huge metallic cannon in the shape of Abraham Lincoln's penis is no ordinary weapon. Its design is based upon the Authorial Identity Uncertainty Principle."
"The AIUP?!" the Authors cried out. "Why didn't I think of that?" one of the more science fiction oriented Authors berated himself, obviously envious of DonkeyShit's ingenuity.
"Hey guys," one of the guards at the door to the club yelled out (What guards, you ask? Well you know, the guards who only let you in if you have a membership card and yet in no way whatsoever stopped DonkeyShit from walking into the place in the last episode. Those guards.) "Uh, what's the AIUP?"
"The AIUP, or Authorial Identity Uncertainty Principle, is one of the rarely considered Laws which govern the reality we call the Backstage," DonkeyShit said as he put on a pair of spectacles, a lab coat and some sticky rubber gloves. He then walked over to a very long blackboard which just happened to be nearby and which also just happened to come with two sexy oriental women wearing nothing but matching lab coats and high heels. The blackboard was covered with esoteric formulae and complicated line drawings. DonkeyShit pulled a laser pointer out of his coat pocket and flashed it on one of the formulae.
"As we all know already, Authors have incredible powers over the very fabric of Backstage Reality. But not every Author is equal in power to every other Author. The most significant factor which relates to how much power an Author has is that Author's episode count. This is the well known Author Episode Count Principle. The AECP states that the more episodes an Author has written the more power he has when he's Backstage. And that's why Tonya picked only certain Authors to fuck with. She wanted the ones with the greatest power.
"But Authors are actually just fictional representations of what I like to call "Real People". Now these "Real People" live in a strange and scary place I like to call the "Real World". I've never been there but I hear it really bites. Anyway, Authors are symbolic extensions of these "Real People" but they are not the "Real People" themselves. As such, they are not limited to the same restrictions that the "Real People" are limited to. For intance, a "Real Person"'s Author might be incredibly beautiful or handsome or smart or even just plain likable, while the "Real Person" himself might actually be a hairy-backed toadwart who's best friend is his pause button. Or it might be the reverse. While the "Real Person" might be a perfectly normal, likable guy who you'd love to party with and is never without his ever growing circle of friends and lovers, his Author might be some dorky slob with shit covered shoes. You just don't know.
"And so, while every Author does in fact represent a "Real Person", the way in which he represents him is in no way limited to some kind of 'actual' representation. Now while this should be obvious simply by looking at Authors' names, some readers do get confused over this. (Just ask Raoul Duke, I mean Kenneth Kaunda, about people taking his Author names too literally). For instance, in the "Real World" my name is not DonkeyShit. Really, it's not. I will admit however that I do think it'd be damn funny to have DonkeyShit printed on my driver's license, but if I ever got pulled over I don't think the cop would be very amused.
"But just as an Author is not an actual representation of a "Real Person", but merely a representation, he is also not necessarily the only representaion. A "Real Person" can have as many Authorial Representations as he wants. In fact, many "Real People" have already publicly revealed that they have multiple Authorial Representations (which I shall refer to from now on as "Pen Names"). And it is this fact which lies at the heart of the Authorial Identity Uncertainty Principle. You see, because "Real People" can have as many Pen Names as they want you can never, ever be 100% certain that any one Author is not actually also another Author.
"The obvious corolary to this Law is that the only thing you can actually be 100% certain of is that all episodes not written by yourself were written by someone else.
"And that is how I used the AIUP to defeat Tonya. While as DonkeyShit I've only written somewhere under 20 episodes, you people actually have no idea how many episodes the "Real Person" who signs off as DonkeyShit has written. It might just be 20 episodes, but then again, what if I write under more than one Pen Name or write episodes which are left unsigned?"
F-Cup Fitzgerald suddenly interrupted DonkeyShit. "Ok already, we got it, you don't have to keep repeating yourself. Some Authors use more than one Pen Name. But you haven't explained how this helped you to defeat Tonya Harding? No matter how many Pen Names you have, there's still no way you've written more than 7000 episodes!"
"Are you sure about that?" DonkeyShit replied. "Keep in mind that on the one hand we have the AIUP which says that an Author's identity can never be certain, and on the other hand we have the AECP which states that an Author's power is tied to how many episodes he's written. But while episode counts can be verified for each Author they cannot be verified for the "Real People" whom these Authors represent. When it comes to "Real People" the only fact that you can actually be 100% certain of is that all episodes not written by yourself were written by someone else.
"And therefore, it is concievable that I, DonkeyShit, have written every single episode that you haven't. And that's a hell of a lot more than 7000 episodes. And by flicking the switch hidden beneath the left nut of the huge metallic cannon in the shape of Abraham Lincoln's penis I became filled with the defacto orgone power of over 25,000 episodes! My cock cannon ofcourse did the rest."
Everyone in the room just stared at DonkeyShit with awe. And then F-Cup Fitzgerald asked, "But you're back to normal now, right?" DonkeyShit nodded. "Well, you know what that means," Dabbler smiled. DonkeyShit shook his head. And then suddenly he was grabbed by two burly bouncers and dragged out of the club. "This is the 200+ Club loser," Dabbler yelled after him, "come back in a couple of years when your episode count has gotten a little bigger!"
"Atleast let me take Tonya with me!" DonkeyShit shouted as he was dragged away.
Mon Jul 23 21:58:05 2001