Fruitbat's face fell. "That'll mean a lot of walking," she said. "The directories on each level don't say who's where, as far as I could tell when I was up there, just what in general's on each level. And those corridors along each level are long..."
DJ shook her head, smiling. "You're going about it the hard way," she told him. "I had a short cut in mind. This guy Hilbert seems to be the on-site manager both for the Hotel and the Upper Levels, at least the residential portions. I think it's time we finally met Mr. Hilbert..."
Fruitbat frowned. "Hey, if he's so up on all this why are we the ones gathering info for Adama? How come Hilbert isn't coughing it up?"
"Probably because what we're really doing here is establishing data rather than gathering it," DJ replied, dryly. This venue is being created out of our own words and experiences, along with those of AddVenturers who have gone before. No doubt Hilbert knows all there is to know about the portions of the Backstage under his purview, but he can hardly know something before it exists."
"Why not? I mean, if we can say something like 'D<- hangs out in Suite 112' and that'll make it an established fact, why can't he?"
"Good point. Maybe he can. But since hardly anyone's written him in the story yet, he hasn't really been asked, has he?"
"Well, let's ask him then," Fruitbat stated. "Hey, why are you grinning at me like that?"
"Because the circling of your reasoning has lead you right back around to the very conclusion I reached," she answered, a little smugly.
Fruitbat's jaw dropped. She reviewed the conversation in her mind. DJ was right!
Meanwhile, DJ picked up the phone on her desk and started keying in a number.
"How do you know where to call?" Fruitbat asked.
DJ gave him a slighly exasperated look, and Fruitbat sheepishly realized the answer was implicit in the conclusions they had just drawn. "Right, forget I asked," she said.
DJ gave him an even more exasperated look, and motioned with her eyes at the phone book on the desk, right in front of Fruitbat. The poor lizard girl clapped a hand over her eyes. She felt so stupid!
"Yes?" came a loud, mechanically amplifed voice from the phone. DJ had hit the Speaker button.
"Mr. Hilbert?" DJ queried. "DJ Woohoo, here."
"Miss Woohoo! I was wondering when I would have the honor of making your acquaintance! And it's odd, I had an intriguing dream about you a while back, in which you entered a recurring nightmare I was having after getting interrogated by some Men in Gray. When you showed up they vanished, and the tortures they had inflicted on me segued into a sort of grand tour..."
"I had the same dream, I think," DJ told him. "Glad I was able to help. Any bad dreams since?"
"Not a one, thanks be to MarkT! Now, what can I do for you, Miss Woohoo?"
"I was hoping you could clarify some of the physical details of the Backstage for me."
"Ah. I was afraid of this. You put me in a somewhat embarassing position, Miss Woohoo. It's true that I know as much about the Hotel and associated venues as it is possible to know, and in one sense have been running the place dilligently and efficiently for years now. But in another sense my character has just been established, and much of the place I have been so dilligently running hasn't even been written yet. I suspect that any area you find yourself uninformed on is likely to be one of those blank spots."
DJ winked at Fruitbat. "I believe we can help each other, Mr. Hilbert," she said. "Surely it has occured to you that if we're talking about one of those 'blank spots,' it's being written?"
"Uh -- I guess that sort of makes sense," said Hilbert, dubiously. "Does it?"
"Most certainly, if you don't think about things too hard. Now then, my colleague and I were hoping to ascertain the locations of the various Author Suites on the Upper Levels..."
Now Hilbert harrumphed. "I'm afraid much of that is privileged information," he said. "May I ask what use you intend to put this information to?"
"Adama wants it."
"What? Adama? Vice Chairman of the Board? Why didn't you say so?"
"I just did say so," DJ pointed out, interested at the new item of information that had just been established.
"So you did, so you did. Of course, you realize that not all Author Suites have permanently fixed locations. A few are like that wandering magic shop, Spells R Us, that the Old Wizard ran before taking the helm of the Bar and Grill. That is, they're rarely in the same place twice."
"Since when?" Fruitbat asked.
"Since the Operator, one of our on-staff Authors, wrote it that way," Hilbert responded. "Who's that with you, Miss Woohoo?"
"My aide and partner Elizabeth," DJ said, figuring that with Fruitbat's reputation it might not be the greatest idea to let her surname slip just yet. "You can speak as freely in her presence as in mind."
"I'm relieved to hear it. It remains the case that I can't really provide you with a definitive list of who's where. No doubt the Operator could, as his job supplies him with up-to-the-minute information, but even there I can't guarantee that his list would still be accurate a minute later..."
"Tell you what," said DJ. "Why don't you just give me the poop on the Authors I'm most likely to encounter, say, those who've written at least twenty episodes in any of the last six months. Yes, that would be a good start -- surely high productivity implies a certain stability in situation."
"Well, as it happens, yes. In most instances, anyway. Yes, I think on that basis I can provide you with what you are seeking--"
"I just want to know one thing," Fruitbat broke in. "Does D<- hang out in Suite 112?"
"Why yes, he does," was Hilbert's reply. There was a startled note in his voice. "How did you know that?"
"Lucky guess? Hey, looks like your theory was right, Deej!"
"DJ," she said, with emphasis. "You got that, 'Lizzie?'"
"Okay, okay, I've got it," Fruitbat sulked.
"So when can you get those names to me, Mr. Hilbert?" DJ went on, restoring her attention to the man on the other end of the line.
"Right now," said Hilbert, now sounding somewhat self-surprised. "By T, I think you're correct -- the data is being written as we speak. Odd, that, eh?"
"Normal condition of our universe," DJ replied. "Sometimes all you've got
to do is go with the flow. Now, here are the Authors whose Suites we
already know the location of..." Quickly she rattled off
MarkT in Suite 001,
Adama - 002,
The Operator - 242,
Deja Voodoo - 385,
F-Cup Fitzgerald - 404,
RaoulDuke - 426,
Ghost_hand - 659,
SpaceMoose - 660,
Conrad Volkov - 661,
Dabbler's Pad - 662,
JH - 663,
L.E. - 665, and
JigSaw's Lair - 667.
"Yes, yes," said Hilbert, "those are all correct, except Volkov's and Duke's have been
abandoned because they've written their Avatars out of the AddVenture. To
those you can add
sg in Suite 020,
Greyman in 062,
rorschach - 083,
Burke Rakers - 106,
Iron Nick - 128,
Echso - 141,
Bubba - 198,
LDQ - 200,
Enchanter Tim - 207,
DeepFried - 230,
Sarok - 240,
Zorlond - 282,
Silvermane - 299,
Tag - 300,
jamhandy - 303,
Dr. Hook - 306,
You Wish - 320,
Katra, the Cat of Justice in 403,
Darkwulf - 440,
no1Uknow - 506,
Rat Bastard - 570,
The High Commander - 609, and
Skunky - 620."
"Thank you," Mr. Hilbert, said DJ, jotting it all down in shorthand as Hilbert spoke. "We know you're a busy man, so we won't trouble you further for the present. I would like to know where to find you as well, however -- that is, physically, should we need to meet face to face."
"Oh, I'm here and there -- my office is in a sort of vertical-horizontal elevator, so that I can be wherever I'm needed at moments' notice -- or be whisked to safety, as the case may be, as in the recent Heavy Hitters and Author Avatar crises. I'll send you my current schedule of where my office will be and when, if you like."
"Please. And if we could schedule a real, in-depth grand tour of the Hotel at some point in place of the cursory dream one we both recall based on the Men in Gray's interrogation, I would be much obliged."
"It would be my pleasure, Miss Woohoo. I'll get back to you on that one. Thank you so much for your call."
"Don't mention it. Goodbye, now."
The line disconnected.
"Nice," said Fruitbat, leaning back in her chair. "Very nice. I could really get into this way of mapping the Backstage, DJ..."
"Don't get too comfortable," DJ cautioned. "No doubt we'll still have quite a bit of hoof-work to do. Plus, you never know when we might get called on to earn our job titles and go out and shoot some real trouble..."
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Thu Apr 26 14:15:36 2001
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