The elevator doors opened with an abrupt "DING."
This wasn't the lobby, although there was a waist-high railing overlooking the lobby one floor below.
A figure stepped up. "Good day, Miss Woohoo!" It was a tall, stout man with a round, pleasant, studious face. He wore a dark, conservative suit with a white shirt and striped tie.
"Who are you?" asked DJ.
"My name is David Hilbert, ma'am. I am the manager." Hilbert looked down at the diagram of the hotel that DJ was drawing freehand. "This sketch is essentially correct. As you can see and hear, we are constantly in a state of flux. These workmen are constantly on duty." Past Hilbert there rushed a red-haired man who looked vaguely like Gary Cooper, holding a set of plans, followed by two bearded men in plaid shirts and jeans. "That was Mr. Roark, our architect, and Mr. Vila and Mr. Abrams, two of our general contractors," Hilbert explained. Suddenly, DJ could hear the sounds of hammers, saws, and jackhammers. "Allow me to give you the complete tour of our establishment, as reflected in our latest plans."
Hilbert escorted DJ back into an elevator. "I thought, um, Sid was the manager, or maybe the Olde Wizard?" DJ stammered.
Hilbert leaned past her and hit "B3" on the console. The doors closed, and the elevator went down. "Oh, Sid Russell is one of our executives. I am the on-site manager." The doors opened. Opposite the doors was a large placard with
"B3--Subtrain"
on it. The two got out. They were now on a wide subway platform. A few steps down, a train was idling next to the platform. "Looks like a BART train," said DJ. "You know, like in San Francisco?" It was a streamlined, white subway train, empty at the moment. There was no one on the platform. The train's doors closed, and the train left the station smoothly. DJ thought that she'd seen a glimpse of a route map, but it went by too fast for her to see details. They reentered the elevator and went up one floor. Here, the placard read
"B2--Highway Tunnel Access"
DJ saw a large parking garage. At the edge of the garage, leading away to all points of the compass, were wide highway tunnels, big enough for large trucks. DJ saw cars of various makes and models, a few motorcycles, and some heavy cargo trucks. "This is how our place receives supplies and freight," Hilbert explained. "You can drive to Dick's Last Resort from here, or take the train, which is faster, but it's really too far to walk." He quickly showed DJ corridors for staff, as well as a public corridor leading to an escalator going up. "What's up the escalator?" DJ asked. "I'll show you," said Hilbert. But they reentered the elevator, going up one floor to
"B1--Shopping Arcade"
Here were many luzury shops, some selling a variety of bizarre sexual paraphernalia, others unusual clothing. There was a "Starbucks," of course, and a "GAP," and a branch of "Spells 'R' Us," among many other stores.They went up another flight to
"1--Lobby--Olde Wizard's Bar and Grill--Bordello--Casino--Pool"
There was a large fountain opposite the elevators. "This level has reception, concierge, cashier, the kitchen, the physical plant, print shop, laundry, storerooms, and the quarters of the workers while they're staying here." Up one more flight was
"2--Mezzanine--Hotel Administration--Indoor Pool--Gym"
"This is where you found me originally," said Hilbert. The lobby for this floor overlooked the main lobby, one floor below. "Here, on this floor, are the conference rooms, the management offices, including my office, and storerooms for housekeeping." They went back into the elevator, with a bell counting off the floors as they went up:
"3--Guest Rooms"
"4--Guest Rooms"
"5--Guest Rooms"
"6--Guest Rooms"
"7--Guest Rooms"
"8--Guest Rooms"
"9--Guest Rooms"
"10--Guest Rooms"
"Floors 3 through 10 are our standard rooms for visiting characters--and Authors, if they desire a simple room."
"11--Themed Suites"
"On 11 are the themed suites for our guests with imaginative tastes: jungle, space, forest, waterfall, skyscraper-view, and many others." Hilbert opened the door to the "Colorado Chalet" suite without knocking, catching Vanessa Kay buck-naked in the arms of F-Cup Fitzgerald. Vanessa screamed, and Hilbert blushed and closed the door again abruptly: "SORRY!" Hilbert and DJ went back to the elevator and up to
"12--Concierge Suites--German Translator"
"This floor is for the exclusive use of our German-speaking guests. A translator is on call at all times to assist our German guests with any shopping, touring, or . . . other activities." Hilbert used a special key to stop the elevator at
"13--Administration--Chapel--VR"
"We don't lodge any guests on the thirteenth floor, for superstitious reasons. Occasionally we get Authors who like to perform Infinite Recursion experiments with our Virtual Reality Kray Supercomputers." "What's 'Infinite Recursion'?" DJ asked. "Um, the Authors make up Avatars for themselves, but they also create characters to interact with, who then sometimes create their OWN characters. These computers keep track of who created who. Of course, some people believe that we're all just characters in a big game ourselves--which reminds me, there's a non-denominational chapel on this floor, too." After a short walk-through, they continued up:
"14--Penthouse"
"15--Playboy"
"Playboy? Penthouse?" asked DJ. "Some of our patrons have very SPECIFIC tastes," Hilbert replied. "Our legal department assured us that, provided no copyrighted pictured are displayed, there's nothing that anyone can do about it. The Playmates and Pets are technically public figures and subject to 'fair comment.'"
"16"
"17"
"18"
"19"
"16 through 19 are physical plant, storage, maintenance, service, housekeeping, and future expansion." Hilbert stopped on Floor 20.
"20--Author Offices"
"Twenty and above are Author offices. Some use the office for a residence if they will be here for long term. Many have been vacant for quite some time, unfortunately." Hilbert pointed to a door, with "2000--MarkT" etched into the glass. Next to it was "2001--Adama."
"They don't really NEED offices, but we provide them as a courtesy. Each Author designs his own door and furnishes and decorates his own office."
Hilbert and WooHoo returned to the mezzanine. "I hope this has been of some assistance. Please excuse me, I must return to work now." Hilbert disappeared down the corridor into his shabby office.
Woohoo copied down everything she heard. Taking the elevator back up to the 20th floor, she slipped the notes under Adama's office door. . . .
Mon Apr 23 14:14:28 2001