Right. Naked, powerful, bad-ass sorceress Whorlond soared through the air over the Backstage, descending on the Bar and Grille like a meteor. Nice sonic boom, and scratch one roof to boot. We won't do the sound effects. There was quite enough of that in the last episode.
There was general confusion and consternation. That is, all the Author girls were confused, and the Old Wizard was consternated.
"You!" he cried. "I was sure you'd end up as someone's sex slave out in the AddVenture!"
"Well you were wrong, Jack!" boomed Whorlond. Go ahead and imagine her words big and boldfaced if it makes you feel better. I told you we weren't doing sound effects!
Suddenly, the Old Wizard's bottom felt very strange, like it was changing, and -- and growing... "Eeeek! What are you doing to me?"
"I swore when I returned your ass would be grass! And now... it is!"
It was true. For great justice, and all that, the Old Wizard now had a lawn where his buttocks used to be. How the hell's he gonna sit down on that?
"How the hell am I gonna sit down on that?" the Old Wizard complained.
"That's your problem!" Whorlond boomed. "Now, are you gonna give us the cure, or do I have to get really nasty?"
"Yeah!" echoed the Author girls. "The cure, magic man!"
"None of this shit about selling us off to a harem, or pimping us to characters, like you were gloating about before Whorlond returned!" added Duchess Rachel.
"He dared threaten you?" Whorlond boomed. "Why didn't you tear him to ribbons?"
"He's a man!" DJ Woohoo explained. "He was too masterful and overpowering, y'know? It's not like we had, you know, weapons, or anything!"
"Idiots! You had You Wish! She's magical! Why didn't you use her?"
"You Wish is a genie now," Dr. Hooker pointed out. "And if there's one thing there's plenty of around here, it's bottles. I'm afraid the Old Wizard just --"
Dr. Hooker held up a bottle. "Help," it said.
"Then why didn't you use your hands! You've got fingernails, for Elvira's sake! Or you could've rubbed the fuckin bottle, for that matter!"
"Weeellllll," said Tracy Bigtits. "He kinda offered us sex if we wouldn't..."
It's hard to sigh when you're booming, but Whorlond managed. "Shit, you girls really have bimboed out, haven't you? Fools! Wimpettes! If it weren't for my need for vengeance, I'd just leave you to your fates!" She turned on the Old Wizard, her eyes smouldering...
"Uh -- I'll have sex with you, too, if you leave me alone," he squeeked.
Before she had powered up, she might have been tempted -- these bimbo impulses were insidious... but no. No mere man could compare with lizard... Maybe she shouldn't have been so rough on Fruitbat -- he was a cute little thing, after all. But there was just something about the creature that made her want to humiliate him... And, of course, the Old Wizard, too! "Sorry!" Whorlond boomed. "You had your chance, and you blew it! The cuRE?!?" (Okay, maybe just one sound effect...)
The Old Wizard seemed to deflate. "There is no cure, I told you that before."
"Don't give me that! I'm so powerful now I can see into other threads! I know bimboized Authors have been cured elsewhere!"
"Yes, but they didn't drink what you drank. I mixed Normality Fizz in with your Transgender Bender, which makes your female form your normal, permanant state -- and takes away your Authorial powers. Leaving nothing to cure, you see? Had you downed your Bender straight, it wouldn't have been your normal state and you wouldn't have lost your powers, and it would have worn off in three weeks, and if you couldn't wait that long, a subsequent dose of the Fizz would have cured you. Understand?"
"More or less. It gets complicated, doesn't it?"
"Bingo."
"You realize, of course, that you've just left me with no reason not to kill you..."
"Wait!"
"Why?"
"Just because I can't cure you doesn't mean somebody else can't!"
"Really? Who? Do go on..."
"Sid Russell, with his reintegration booth, might be able to do it."
"He's banished from the Backstage."
"Really? You're sure about that?"
"Had it straight from the lizard's mouth."
"Well, an Author -- a real Author, not an avatar -- could write you normal!"
"I'll keep that in mind and appeal to the current one shortly. But looking over parallel threads, I find that the appeal isn't usually successful."
"Well, there is one other out..."
"And that is--?"
"Sleeping with an Avatar."
"You're kidding!"
"No, really! Avatarism is like a chronic STD. Once you've had it, cured or no, any new exposure tends to bring it right back out."
"Nonsense! Author avatars sleep with characters all the time, and they don't become avatars!"
"That's because they didn't start out as avatars! Trust me -- it works!"
"Trust you?"
"I swear by Fragglerock I'm telling the truth!"
"Who the hell is Fragglerock?"
"Well, you see, there was this TV show with Muppets in it..."
"It gets complicated, doesn't it? Skip it!"
"Skipping it, your High Fearsomeness!"
"So you're telling me that if we'd all just slept with JigSaw when he showed up a while back we'd be ourselves again by now?"
"That's what I'm telling you. The effect is instantaneous, you see -- triggered by orgasm."
"You're making all this up, aren't you?"
"No! I swear! I swear by Sidney!"
"Sid Russell?"
"No, Sidney the Sea Monster. Uh -- it's kind of complicated..."
"Never mind! I'll try it, Wizard, if the other so-called cures don't pan out! If it -- or any one of them -- works, you'll have nothing further to fear from me! If they don't..." Whorlond's eyes crackled ominously.
"Oh, it will, it will!"
Whorlond checked out the sig line and read Dabbler. She turned to Dribbler. "Hey, honey. Care to appeal to your original?"
Dribbler, standing in a puddle of her own making (she had long since given up trying to catch the overflow), looked up and giggled. "I'll try. Hey, out there -- Dab? Can ya zap us a little cure, down here?"
Well, now I'm on the spot! Normally, I'd just walk into the episode to answer, but I'm already there, and a bimbo to boot! Besides, in light of what the Old Wizard just said, I'd most likely get raped. Which might not be such a horrible fate, actually, but no, that leaves those intriguing other avenues unexplored. Let's see, I could do Deja Voodoo's spooky voice thing, but he's probably got a patent on it -- hey, I know!
The answer appeared in the minds of everyone there: No. I'm too interested in the story, and want to see how it plays out. Another time, maybe, if all else fails. "That's about what I figured," muttered Whorlond. Or rather, she tried to mutter, but the way her voice is these days -- well, ever hear of a booming whisper? That's what it was like. She shot poor Dribbler a look that boded ill for the future.
"Hey, don't blame me," she apologized. "I only work here!"
"True," Whorlond boomingly admitted. "Okay. Next best alternative. Come on, girls! We're going to Central to try the booth! Bring the bottle, will you Hooker?"
"Sure," simpered Dr. Hooker.
"Thank you," squeaked the bottle.
"Don't mention it."
"Does this mean I'm off the hook?" asked the Old Wizard.
"Not hardly! What, leave you free to start even more trouble? Your ass is grass already, Wizard! How about all of you, until we come back?"
"But--"
His but was cut off. No, he didn't get his backside mowed, that would be silly. Rather, he disappeared.
"Where did he go?" asked BiggAnne.
Whorlond laughed. "You'll see! Follow me!"
She lead the Author girls outside. There was a nice little lawn before the entrance that hadn't been there before...
"How are you feeling, Wizard?"
"Flat," said the lawn. "Rather prickly, too."
"He's probably crab grass," giggled Pam Ass.
"I heard that!" said the lawn.
"Oh hush, or I'll pee on you!"
The lawn hushed.
Whorlond floated into the sky, the other Author girls trailing in her wake. They drifted the quater mile or so over to Backstage Central, over the fence, and landed before the little cage with Fruitbat in it.
"What, back already girly? And with friends? Shit, how am I gonna keep this a secret?"
"Is there a problem?" Whorlond asked.
"Sorta. Y'see, Mirage is right over there in that bed, behind the curtain, making out with Apollo, and while she's busy she's not oblivious, and there are a couple several pairs of things here she's bound to notice..."
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Thu Apr 12 10:55:11 2001
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