"Watch it, son," Jim told him sharply as his nephew flinched back from the spear points that had suddenly advanced to within milimeters of his gonads.
"You don't joke around with my wives -- not if you know what's good for you!"
"Didn't know you were married," Jim choked. "My apologies." The spears retreated an inch or so. Jim swallowed. "So," he said. "Of what does my luck consist?"
"Miraculously remaining a whole man," Credensa snarled.
"Miraculously remaining a man, period," Sendula seconded. (Their spears possessed BE, and perhaps even TG, qualities...)
"And I appreciate that, I assure you," Jim assured them. He looked appealingly at Sid.
"Back off a bit, girls," he told them. "Now, Jim. It seems my boss is tired of waiting for the Old Wizard to show up and open his Author bar, and he wants you to go and look for him. Whattayasay?"
Jim smiled. "Can do," he said. "In the thread you just pulled me from, I was just about to buy something from him in his shop. So just send me on back and I'll tell him you want him."
Sid looked at his nephew approvingly. "Ah, you're one of the aware Jims. What a relief. I can't tell you how many idiotic, emotionally frazzled versions of you I've had to deal with back here since I got this job. But I wouldn't put it to him that way -- its best to deal somewhat more delicately with characters over 5 on the omnipotence scale."
Jim did a double take. "The what?"
Sid removed a chart from his pocket and handed it to Jim. Jim read:
Omnipotence Scale for Characters in the Unending BE AddVenture.
Jim looked up. "Rather sacrilegious, isn't it?"
Sid shrugged. "Like anything here isn't? But no, not really. Gods in the AddVenture are written by Authors, and hence less potent. If there's a God in the real world, he's way off the chart."
Jim nodded and handed back the chart. "So the Old Wizard's a seven, I'm a four, you're an eight, and the person writing this is a ten, right?"
"On his better days. You're a four, eh? Odd, I had you pegged as a one or two. If you're a standard MS in your home thread, what were you doing poking around a magic shop?"
Jim looked embarassed. "Couldn't get the gift perfume I was concocting for Sharon to smell like anything but essence of skunk," he admitted. "Time was getting short, so I figured I'd better go with a ready-made."
"Word of advice. Any ready-made from the Old Wizard is likely to result in spontaneous sex changes or humongous breasts, and not necessarily on Sharon."
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."
"Now, as to your mission. Even as a Four, I suggest you don't do anything that might tick off Mister Seven when you get back to him. Remember, he can whip your ass without half breaking into a sweat. My recommendation would be just to let him know he had a refuge here if he ever needs one. And in the AddVenture, eventually everyone needs one, especially him. I understand he's gotten mighty lazy about the warning labels since setting up magical practice here..."
"Maybe he figures someone might actually read the warning and spoil his fun," Jim suggested.
"Are you kidding? No one ever reads the labels, unless they're people inclined by nature to misunderstand them or fail to see their full implications. That's how the Old Wizard's magic works! No, the labels are just there as a magical disclaimer -- when the potion or artifact is misused, his ass is covered. Why he's going around so bare-assed these days is more than I can figure, unless he's being written by lazy Authors..."
"The kind who don't rate as Tens?"
"Bingo. So, you ready to go?"
Jim shook his head. "Not quite. If I do this for you, what's in it for me?"
"Knew you were my nephew," Sid muttered. "How about a 'get-into-orgy free' card applicable to the partners of your choice?"
"Any exclusions from it?"
"My partners and anyone under puberty."
"Okay, sounds good," said Jim. "Uh-- what if my choices aren't interested in boys?"
Sid grinned. "You're thinking of your half-sisters, the Farnsworth Octuplets, aren't you?"
"Well, yes."
"Orientation adjustment's part of the deal."
"Done!" cried Jim, and they shook on it. "Fire when ready," Jim concluded.
Sid opened a portal, and Jim vanished.
Wed Mar 14 15:46:24 2001
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