Most of the Gods and Demigods had enough mana to resist its effects. However, as the space filled, the room became a bit crowded. "Behold!" said Jesus, waving a hand in the air gracefully, creating another portal, beyond which was a verdant pastoral scene, complete with sparkling lake, chirping birds, and rainbow. Hades, Trojan, Demonica, the Chrodim, and one of the duplicate versions of Sid all vanished through the Portal. Jesus stepped through last, reassuring the others in the room that all the various gods would be transported to their proper places in the aether. Then His Almighty Portal vanished.
The "official" portal, Sid's portal, still flashed uncontrollably, at a rate of about once every two seconds or so. In about two minutes, it had disgorged many disparate Characters and even some Authors. After a couple of minutes, the flashing *temporarily* subsided. Now occupying the room were:
O Dr. Hook (a tall, ungainly looking fellow with blond hair, wearing a white lab coat with "St. Kitts and Nevis" on the breast pocket)
O Conrad Volkov (In this reality he is a distinguished-looking man of about forty-five, in a suit and tie, with a slight unplaceable European accent. He is carrying a battered suitcase with a sticker on it that reads "SEE SCENIC CLOVIS!" The suitcase has a bullet hole in it.)
O Quiggman (the noted Addventure Author, a somewhat doughy-looking guy with thick horn-rimmed glasses, holding a bottle of Mogen David)
O L.E. (sometime Addventure Author, currently in remission, clutching a briefcase)
O Panache
O F-Cup Fitzgerald (a tall, good-looking fellow with brown hair going a little prematurely gray at the temples, sipping a martini)
O Raoul Duke (a dead wringer for Hunter S. Thompson: tall, skinny, and bald, smoking a Dunhill in a cigarette holder and brandishing a bottle of Wild Turkey)
O Tri-City Bendix (who arrives stark naked with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a cigarette in the other--"Where are all the chicks?" he screams.)
O Leviathan (dressed currently in baseball cap and uniform, he is surrounded by
O several squalling Little Leaguers wearing uniforms showing "AJAX BAIL BONDS" as the team sponsor
O Zorlond (a stubby wizard smoky a stubby cigar--he looks like "Avatar" from Ralph Bakshi's "Wizards")
O Mello (a very lovely female Author, who in this version at least has auburn hair and a shapely rack)
O Doctor Wu (who in this version is strangely NOT an Oriental--how odd!)
O Dr. Schneider (who IS Oriental--even stranger) and Dr. Krupov (looks Russian to me), Dr. Wu's fiendish and, up to now, unknown colleages
O Francis McNasty
O Jim
O Rick
O Annapurna and Unapuma (from "Dominion: Tank Police")
O Leona Ozaki (from "Dominion: Tank Police")
O Pris (from "Bubblegum Crisis")
O A-ko and B-ko (from "Project A-Ko")
O Jennifer Love Hewitt (with a magically-enhanced bustline)
O Melissa Joan Hart (ditto)
O Melissa CloneHart (MJH's evil identical twin)
O Kirsten Dunst
O Rachael Leigh Cook
O Winona Ryder
O Natalie Portman
O Anna Kournikova
O Dominique Moceanu
O Daniel Cave (detective for the Continental Detective Agency, late twenties, looks "a little like Ryan Philippe")
O Emmett Brown, Ph.D. (from the "Back to the Future" movies)
O Ben Stein (from "Win Ben Stein's Money")
O the Fourth Doctor (from the "Doctor Who" BBC series, played by Tom Baker, curly brown hair, long striped scarf, you know the one)
O Dolly Parton (no explanation necessary)
O Tiffany Towers (well-known adult film star)
O Petra Verkaik (well-known Playboy Playmate)
and
a couple of Men in Gray (Mr. Hands and Dr. Commander, wearing the usual sinister gray derbies and suits)
Whew! What a mess!
Immediately, as soon as all this lot begins to get their bearings, they start complaining and arguing: "Where am I? How'd I get HERE? Who the hell are you? What do you mean I'm fictional?" etc. etc. etc.
"I'm going to get a suite and watch the Zapruder film!" Conrad Volkov announces. He leaves. Immediately most of our beloved Authors revert to utterly (or UDDERLY) predictable form: Tri-City Bendix begins running around, Benny-Hill style, chasing Petra Verkaik around the lobby. Panache and L.E. begin propositioning various women for painful anal shenanigans. Dr. Hook pulls out his wallet and shows a picture of his girlfriend to Quiggman, who asks why the face is all blurred. F-Cup Fitzgerald gets drunk. Raoul Duke lights a big, stogie-sized joint.
Kirsten Dunst sees Daniel Cave across the room. She waves to him, looking a bit sad. As Kirsten begins to approach Cave, Sid and his two Amazon wives teleport in, with the wives brandishing spears. The Amazons shake their spears at Cave; he looks back at them calmly. Cave was teleported here from a scene in the middle of a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles. He is holding a small dish and offers the contents to the two Amazon women: "Guacamole?" Cave asks. The two Amazons drop their spears, scream loudly, and flee in terror.
"I've never seen THAT happen before!" says Sid, who recovers the spears and runs after them.
Then L.E. and Dr. Hook spot each other. "This is going to be trouble," mutters Raoul Duke.
"Hey, Epstein!" Hook shouts over to L.E., "what are YOU doing here? Shouldn't you be somewhere ass-fucking some ugly, middle-aged matron?"
"I'll keep looking, you cheap quack, maybe I'll find your sister--"
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE LORDS OF COBOL IS GOING ON HERE???" a voice thunders from the edge of the room, near still another portal.
"Oh, shit," says Jim.
"We're boned," says Rick.
Everyone looks toward the voice. It is Adama himself, the maintainer of the Archives. He looks exactly like Lorne Greene in "Battlestar Galactica," right down to the navy-blue ceremonial robes. He is flanked by Apollo, Starbuck, and two Cylons. "Hook! Epstein! I thought I told you no more arguing! Don't make me report you to MarkT! Remember what happened last time!" A crack of thunder echoes through the chamber, indicating MarkT's displeasure.
Adama turns to the two Cylons. "Find me the character known as Sid!"
"*by your command*" say the Cylons, lurching off to get Sid.
"They might have a bit of a problem with those Amazon women, Adama," says Starbuck, cradling a big mug of espresso in his hands.
"Yeah, Adama, why don't we go after them?" says Apollo. (Due to budget cutbacks, the part of Apollo is being played, not by the Richard Hatch from the series, but by the Richard Hatch from "Survivor." You know, the fat naked gay guy.) The two Galactica pilots wander off the room, with Starbuck being careful not to stand immediately in front of Apollo.
"Now, shall I begin sorting this mess out now, or wait for Sid?" Adama asks the group.
Thu Mar 29 16:21:07 2001