Backstage: Duke and Sid, together again!

Unending BE - episode 129641

Backstage!

"Shit!" said Duke. "I've done this gig!"

"Hello, Duke," said Sid Russell, keeper of the BE AddVenture's backstage. "Back so soon? Who's your friend?"

"Gonzo," RaoulDuke grumped. "Sid, Gonzo. Gonzo, Sid Russell, keeper of the backstage and major pain in the ass!"

"Look who's talking," said Sid. "Don't think I haven't noticed your attempts at vengeance in the parallel reality lines that branched off an episode or so back."

"Hey, it wasn't me. That is, it was me, but I was being written by F-Cup Fitzgerald at the time. I couldn't help myself!"

"Of course not. Because you're not really the author you think yourself, just his avatar, and as such can be written by any other author who takes it in his head to do so."

"I've been coming to that conclusion myself. Really bites, too!"

"Welcome to my world."

"I don't understand any of this," said Gonzo.

"Ask Sid," Duke snarled. "He'll give you the standard explanation -- it's his fuckin' job!" He stood tapping his heels while Sid brought his clueless compatriot up to snuff.

"Trapped!" wailed Gonzo, when he knew the truth. "Trapped, in a world I never made!"

"Think it's better being trapped in one you did make?" Duke mocked, completely unsympathetic. "Get with the program, fella!" He turned his attention to Sid. "So what now?" he asked. "You get your revenge?"

"Not in the job description," Sid said. "I'm here to be helpful, however personally distasteful I may find it. Besides, I gather there's worse awaiting you out in the AddVenture than I could possibly inflict on you here!"

Duke rubbed the back of his head, ruefully. "Don't I know it! We were being chased by a horde of fucking lizards, man! And they didn't even care that I could quote Hegellian philosophy to them, or that I know where New Brunswick is!"

Sid grinned. "Do tell!"

"The worst thing is, I don't even know why it's happening!"

"Having been reading the AddVenture in my off hours, I can help you with that. The in-story answer is that this whole 'Lord of the Remotes' scenario was concocted by Jim and Rick with a Master PC program. Currently, they're calling in Remotes, and apparently they have their eye on some of your other stuff, too. The 'horde of fucking lizards,' as you so quaintly put it, are doing their bidding."

"What? I'm an author, damnit! Mere characters can't do this to me!"

"You're the avatar of an author," Sid reminded him. "And as I recall, you've had a previous lesson about what 'mere characters' can do!"

"Oh, yeah."

Gonzo spoke up at this point. "You say that's the 'in-story answer.' Does that mean there's an 'out-story' one?"

Sid nodded approvingly. "You're catching on, son. Yes there is, but your friend the author would not be happy to know it. Besides, there's nothing he can do about it."

"I'll be the judge of that!" cried RaoulDuke. "What is it?"

Sid sighed. "Remember," he said, "you brought this on yourself. Out-story answer? The author of whom you're the avatar, the real RaoulDuke, wrote you into the mess with the lizards."

"No! It can't be!"

"It can so be. Here!" Sid showed him the relevant episode.

Duke slumped. "Abandoned! Betrayed by my own self! What do I do now?"

"Well, speaking character-to-character, I'd play along, if I were you. Authors can be mean to characters when defied. I don't know what your 'other self' is like in that respect, but for all I know he'd stick breasts on you and make you dance around in a tutu for a while. Better stick to the in-story problem, which is addressable."

"How, if I'm just a 'character' now?" Duke flung back.

Sid shook his head sadly. "You're a character defined as 'being' an author, remember? Write your way out of it, idiot!"

Hope lit Duke's eyes. "Gimme a computer!" he cried.

"Bank of 'em over to your right," Sid pointed out.

Duke ran to the nearest, opened a connection to the Internet, and went directly to the BE Addventure, which was conveniently bookmarked. Finding, by some weird metaliterary fluke, the episode currently in progress, he proceeded to type his way out of it and back into the BE AddVenture proper. Where...

1. *The horde of reptiles was reduced to ash by his secret weapon (whatever that was), and Jim and Rick found themselves abruptly shelved!

Thu Feb 22 12:30:25 2001

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