Billy, Jim, Rick, Francis and Tom Critique the B.E.Addventure

Unending BE - episode 107306

"What's up with this? I can barely read some of the crap people have written about me!" Billy barks out after reading some of his episodes.
"We've wondered about that too," Jim said. "I think that since your character is fairly new to the Addenture and doesn't have a lot of backstory to it that a lot of the younger writers have gravitated to you." Rick shook his head, "No way, I say those episodes were written by foreigners who have a poor grasp of the english language."
"They're being written by 6th graders, Rick," Jim retorted.
"Foreigners, Jim," Rick argued.
"Screw you guys!" Billy exploded, "they're being written by dumbshits who can't write! And what's with all this torture crap?! I mean, hell, sure I get beat up some times by the girls at school and some of the teachers aren't particularly nice to me, but come on! Forced to chow down on a feces sandwich? Having nails hammered into my gonads? Now that's just plain wrong!"
"Well, along with the juvenile writers you seem to have attracted the SM/BD crowd," Jim shrugged apologetically. "It could be worse though. Morphing body parts, magical alterations, sex-changes, demonic possession, computer-programs gone wild, and all around gender confusion are just some of the things I've had to face. For example, you were never turned into a half-woman/half-horse sex slave."
"Oh I don't know," Rick added, "I kinda liked that story."

"You know," Tom spoke up for the first time, "for being Jim's best friend you seem to like it an awful lot whenever he gets messed with. In fact, more than half the time you're the one messing with him. And I can't help but notice the homosexual subtext which keeps cropping up."
"Well at least my world wasn't taken over and my family killed by a 100 foot tall bitch-goddess with an inferiority complex," Rick smugly answered back.
"Yeah but that never really happened," Tom replied defensively. "That was just one of the stories these writers made up. In reality my family's doing just fine. The only thing that happened to me was that I was shrunk down to the size of a thumb and spent a month stuck to the bottom of some girl's shoe."
"Homosexual subtext?" Billy mumbled to himself, afraid of what Tom was referring to.
Jim's face became very red at this and he was obviously very uncomfortable with where the discussion was going. "OK, first off, I'm not gay," he told Billy. "And neither is Rick. If some of the writers out there are fags I can't help that. The real reason Rick is always screwing with me is because he hates being my faithful sidekick."
"SIDEKICK!?" Rick hollered, spraying coffee out of his nose. "Listen Jim, I'm just as much a star of the Addventure as you are and there's a whole shitload of episodes where I'm the main character!" He grabs the book from Billy and points out these entries in the index.
"Yeah Rick, but most of those episodes deal with the story after you've done something weird to me and I'm no longer in the picture, which makes you the villain. And if you're the villain, then I'm the hero and so even when I'm not in an episode I'm still the star because sooner or later the hero will come back and defeat the villain," Jim shot back and crossed his arms defiantly.
"I am NOT the villain and I am NOT your sidekick!" Rick hollered, anger and exasperation building up within him.
"Can't you two please just be friends?" Tom butted in. "You know, the way you are in the BE Gun episodes."

And then Francis exlaimed, "I for one am VERY happy with the people who chronicle MY life." He was wise enough to keep to himself the fact that he was the real star of the Addventure. No one but Billy paid any attention to him though. But even Jim and Rick stopped arguing and turned to him when he shouted, "FRANCIS McNASTY RULES!"
"But your episodes are even more poorly written than mine," Billy said.
"Yes," Francis agreed, "but they're all true too. And who gives a shit about grammar anyway?"
"They can't ALL be true," Billy objected.
"Sure they are," Francis said proudly. "Look, if I had made different decisions in my life, gone left instead of right, ditched school instead of going to detention, then those other things would have happened to me."
"So all the shit people have been writing about me really is happening in a weird twisted parallel universe sort of way?!" Billy cried out in disgust.

Francis nodded, Jim shrugged, Rick smiled and Tom looked down into his lap.

  1. *"Does anyone here know how we are going to get back to the real world?" Billy asks
  2. *Clark Kent walks in to get a bagel
  3. this heated discussion continues for some time
  4. Mr.Mxyzptlk appears in a puff of tangerine spray and the smell of Firestone tire tread separation
  5. *two women at the coffee counter spontaneously grow massive tits
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Billy BadAss

Fri Oct 20 17:54:28 2000