"It anothte msitake and the Relaity time lime!" Jeannenenanane yleld as Seane appread. Pionting at hmi, hse cnotinued. "It culd huve dire affetc on teh univers!"
"What the hell kind of strange language are you talking in?" Sean asked. "Geez, talk English like a normal person, why don't you?" Sean stared closely. He seemed to be talking to a female human. She had a vague resemblance to Jeananne Garafolo, the female comedian who was known in the BE reality for having a powerful remote control with various reality-altering abilities. But somehow, she didn't seem quite right.
Sean looked around some more. There were two other guys here. They seemed to be less out-of-kilter than anyone else. "Uh, hi, my name's Sean, by the way," he said introducing himself. Sean still felt a little odd, not wearing any clothes other than his briefs, but he figured it didn't matter here. This looked to be a world where technicalities like that didn't matter at all.
"ahhh that going to who yu are and we dit'n nkow," Francis muutred incomperhensable. "I and the Francis of wordl wehre not pearve-ish but hear teh ohtre me is not liek taht tihs wrold is."
"Am and I of curse Randy," siad teh ohtre gyu.
"Oh, okay," Sean said, trying to figure out what the heck they were saying. He deduced that the first one might be named Francis and the second one might be named Randy.
"But King Jim and tehn we must gow for the and will is it to sotp the wholes in tiem and sapce taht his mahcine is for doin," Francis staeted. "Hsi hlep is am are waht we ndee but he is fro goin kill sicne waht we do is saem."
"Dire unersev affect is goin two ohtreweis," Jaeenananena siad ocne moer.
Sean was getting a headache trying to figure out what these idiots meant. But he was starting to get a clue. Someone needed to talk to King Jim to get him to stop some machine or else something bad would happen. But Francis couldn't do it, since Francis and Jim were already enemies. "Then, since Jim doesn't know me, why don't I go talk to Jim?" Sean asked. The three others standing there just looked blankly at him, as if they didn't understand what he was saying. "Er, I mean, wyh dno't I go for the is tlak Knig Jim?" Sean asked, translating his speech into what seemed to be the language of this realm. This seemed to be a reasonable plan, and soon the details were arranged... or "aragned", at least.
As a sentinel being from a "Parreal" universe, Jaeenanenenenenene was able to transport a few people (or "poepul") to King Jim's castle. Randy lent Sean his "reomte conrtol," warning him that it only worked on people from this strange land where grammar and correct spelling were completely foreign concepts, but that it also wouldn't work on Jim because of his belt that protects him. Randy would've gone with Jeieneniveane and Sean, but since Jim had sent Sharon to kill him, Jim probably wouldn't want to talk to Randy any more than Jim would want to talk to Francis. Randy decided to hold onto his plasma gun, though, just in case he needed it to keep Francis from meeting his duplicate on this world.
Sean looked at the remote control. Fortunately, it looked like every BE remote control, since it's pretty hard to spell "BE" or "PE" wrong... though Sean wondered if the buttons weren't mislabeled. After getting acquainted with the buttons on the remote, Sean was taken by jaeenenne through a rift in space and time to a large elaborate throne room. There were marble statues of women lining the walls, each with breasts bigger than the rest of their bodies. One large throne stood at the end of the room. It was made of various precious metals and gemstones, and depicted various sexual acts being performed by overly endowed men with overly large-breasted women. Dozens of nearly-naked women stood in humiliating positions while holding plasma guns; these were Jim's guards.
Jim sat in his throne. He was holding a ray gun and wearing a king rome. Sean found that very odd, that someone could wear the city of Rome, but that's exactly what Sean saw. Jim had a huge bulge that in his pants that was post certaninly enhance by his ray. Drat, Sean thought that he had started to make sense of the world around him. Clearly, the world was back to its usual nonsense. Eventually, Sean figured out that Jim must have a big dick or something.
Jim's pants was [sic] see through and elatic [sic] band had to hold his package. Jim not [sic] had a penis that would frighten small children and msot [sic] adult on his world. Sean was puzzled for a moment. Jim not had a penis? Oh, he "now" had a penis. Okay. Sean kept looking.
He was also now very fit and seem to eb [sic] the strongest man in the worlds [sic]. He had expensive diamons [sic] on his cloths [sic]. I suppose he can put whatever he wants on a cloth, Sean thought, before realizing that those diamonds were actually on Jim's clothes, not his cloths. Around this time, a naked woman (like one of the guards) with a gun up her ass was walking up to Jim. Sean recognized her as Sharon. She walked up to Jim and kicked him in the crotch.
"Waht? Whose ressponsalbe fuh tihs?" Jim yleld and then noticed Sean and jeenanenen. "Gaurds! Gte tehm," Jim yleld.
Quickly, Sean pushed the time stop ("puase") button on the remote control. Suddenly, all the guards (as well as Sharon and jAnennene) were frozen in time. "I'm afraid that I need to talk to you," Sean told Jim.
"Folo! My betl makse me immuen to the remoet!"
"I know, I just wanted to talk to you without the gaurds... I mean, guards getting in the way. Apparently, you're endangering the whole universe or universes or something by using your space and time machine. If you stop, then I can leave you alone."
"Stpo? Nevre!" Jim remakred. "Adn I dot'n nede the gaurds to deel with yu!" Jim pulled out his strange looking weapon. It was a gun of some sort, but it had tons of tiny little controls. "Nwo, what shlal I do wiht yuo? Sxe cahnge? Animla hybrdi? She-mael? IQ decreeese?"
"I tried to deal with you in a civilized manner. I guess that's just not possible with some people," Sean replied and pulled out his own gun. Before Jim could react, Sean fired one shot, and suddenly Jim was growing a huge set of breasts.
"B-boobees!" Jim remarked, and instantly began fondling himself. As he did, his fancy-looking gun fell to the ground and slid on the floor in front of Sean.
"I guess you won't be needing this anymore," Sean decided as he picked up Jim's gun. Pressing some controls at random, Sean fired at Jim... and was amazed at Jim's transformation. He folded in on himself, becoming rounder and rounder... until there was nothing left but a six-foot tall boob. A sphere of flesh with a single nipple on top. "He who lives by the boob, dies by the boob," Sean muttered.
And then it was all anti-climax. Sean found and destroyed Jim's space and time machine. Sean found Jim's anti-remote belt and put it on. After all, it might help him out someday. Sean looked for some other clothes to wear, but there was nothing that wouldn't look totally bizarre (see-through pants, for example). And then he turned time back on with Randy's remote.
"Yyuop heav savde the univers," Jganenane told him. "Tahnk yuo. Nwo we msut meak shure taht Fracnis doesn't meat Frencis."
"Yeah, and I guess Randy can have this back," Sean replied, as he handed her Randy's remote. "I no longer have to fear it, and presuming I get out of this nuthouse, it won't work on anybody in the universe where I'm going."
Tue Jun 01 11:42:08 2004
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