"Dear Jim (Last Name Not On File):
Our office has been following your activities for some time now with much interest. Our records indicate that over the past two plus years, you have been involved in 248 cases of coerced breast expansion, 192 instances of sexual activity with participants incapable of giving informed consent because of artifical sexual arousal through the use of drugs, magic, or other mind altering techniques, and a wide assortment of other, also mostly immoral, sexually associated behavior. Needless to say, we are quite impressed.
As you might know from our reputation, it is most common for this particular firm to foreclose on any items determined to be owed it (financial, spiritual, or otherwise) only upon the legal demise of the original owner of the item in question. However, in unusual cases we do make exceptions. Yours is certainly an exceptional case. Consider the receipt of this letter official notification that we are exercising our option and intend to take early possession of your soul.
We like to think we are reaonable people here at B. L. Zebub & Associates (well, not people, but you get the idea) and would like to make a proposal which we believe would be to our mutual advantage, and provide you with a way out of your current difficulty. We are always looking for good agents to carry out our work here on earth, and your proven ability to cause trouble and disrupt lives indicates you are just the kind of person we want on our team. Working with us entails a wide range of fringe benefits, including a very generous package of magical abilities provided at no charge. On the other hand, if you decline our most magnanimous offer, be assured that one of our representatives will be calling on you at your inconvenience. Please mark your choice on the enclosed form. No return postage is required as the form will vanish in a puff of smoke as soon as completed. Thank you for your time."
At the bottom, the letter was signed with some indecipherable signature. Jim looked into the envelope and saw a small form still stuck in the bottom of it. Pulling that one out, he read (in the same read ink as the previous letter was printed):
"Please check one.
Yes, I want to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to travel, meet interesting people and influence them for the worst, cast magic, and in general take advantage of this opportunity to work for a growing 'can do' company that knows how to properly reward its employees.
No, Do your worst."
The words 'yes' and 'no' each had a small box next to them for Jim to mark his choice.
Jim read the whole letter, then reread it. Refilled his mug with coffee and read it again, this time with a slightly shaking hand. It had to be a joke right? That Rick, its exactly the type of thing he would do ... and yet, something about this letter made Jim's insides run cold. For a full minute he sat unmoving with the letter in his hand. Then he ...
Wed Oct 6 22:05:21 1999